While drinking mediocre homemade hot chocolate -don't use cocoa unless you like rich chocolate- and smoking a cigarette, I've decided to update my LJ. It really is my only outlet these days where I don't have to worry about anyone judging me. This is a judgment free environment. It's really not all that often that I can sit and spill everything out all at once, with the exception of emailing Mar a few times a week and the occasional deep conversation I'll have with Dean. I generally avoid discussing how much of a mess my life is with him because I'm still a bit weary about letting him past all the walls I've built up. Don't get me wrong, the guy is amazing and I trust him but my life is really f-ed up and I guess I'm afraid he'll change his mind about me if he knows. It's not like he's my boyfriend but our relationship is complicated none the less. He'll catch me when I'm in a mood and ask me what's wrong but I usually let myself vent for a minute and then change the subject. I think by now he knows not to give me an out right away or I will change the subject.
Well, it has been a while since I last wrote in here. I'll go point form and then just explain it all from there.
+ I have tracheitis
+ My fibromyalgia is kicking my ass hardcore
+ I'm pretty much irrevocably head over heels with Dean
+ I'm spending a few days at his place at the beginning of April
+ Stephen apparently isn't getting what "I don't want to be in a relationship"
means
+ My father won't have anything to do with me
+ With the exception of my cousins, none of my dad's side of the family will
have anything to do with me
+ My dad is three weeks in breach of a court order to pay my mom spousal
support
+ My dad is dragging the divorce and court proceedings out painfully slow
+ I'm on stress leave
+ I'm pretty f-ed up
+ Kyle and my friendship is pretty much kaput
+ Mom and I are pretty f-ed on the financial front
Yeah, so apparently I have tracheitis, which is an infection of my trachea, which is a fancy way of saying my windpipe is infected. I've been coughing since the end of January-ish and it continued to get worse, so I saw my doctor a few days ago and she said I'm clear of pneumonia and bronchitis but I have tracheitis. It's a viral infection, so I'm just going to have to tough it out and suppress it as much as possible with hydcodine every six hours. Awesome.
The weather has been menopausal the last several weeks and it causes my fibromyalgia to flare up like a bitch. I'm popping my flexiril like candy to keep the pain at a manageable level. I lost complete sensation in my body the other day, which scared the living shit out of me. My right arm started to tingle, so I went to sit on my bed to use my laptop instead of my desk. A little while later my left arm starts to go and I'm like "Alright, I can deal with the tingling." Then my face starts to tingle, which freaked me out so I went into my mom's room, had a major head rush and my knees almost buckled on me. Very unpleasant experience. It's killing my social life, I barely have enough energy to get out of bed, let alone go out and see friends.
I don't know really how to explain Dean... he's probably the best thing to happen to me in a long time. As Mar says, he's really good for me. We're really honest and upfront with each other and I don't have to pretend around him, I can just be myself. He knows that I was sexually and emotionally abused and is absolutely wonderful about it. He knows I have issues with my body, though he doesn't understand really because he thinks I'm gorgeous. I really don't think I'm hot, I'm pretty average in the grand scheme of things and I'm okay with that. Being considered hot is a bit awkward for me. He told me that he finds my curves sexy which caught me totally off guard because I've never had a guy say that to me before. We've got into the discussion a few times about us hooking up and that he feels unattractive in comparison to me. I always hate this topic because I don't see it, I don't think it's true. He says I'm slim and sexy and I asked him if he was joking. I AM attracted to him, no matter what he thinks about himself. Everyone has their flaws, I'm not one to judge that. I've been attracted to him since I was seventeen and I'm only becoming more so as I continue to get to know him. I'm slim because I starve myself -though we haven't gotten to that topic yet- and I see nothing wrong with him. Sure, he's not Chris Evans gorgeous but few guys are. It isn't realistic and I really don't put much thought into how someone looks. Yes, I'm physically attracted to him but his personality is what I really love. He is honestly an amazing guy and he doesn't give himself enough credit.
His brother and his skank girlfriend are going away for a few weeks at the end of this month and Dean wants me to spend a few days with him at his place. We haven't had an opportunity to be alone so this is pretty much our first opportunity. No, we haven't had sex yet. I have had months to think about whether I want to have sex with him and I honestly do, besides my apprehensions, which he already knows about. He knows I don't have much experience and my only real experience with sex was in an abusive context, so he's willing to take it at my pace. Which is why I feel okay about it. I told my mom I was going to be spending a few days at Dean's and she just kind of gave me a look and said "Mmmmhmmmm" Which means "Yea, ok, just don't get pregnant"
I told Stephen in January that I wasn't ready for a relationship. I had too many things going on and I just wasn't ready. Well... apparently this means he can still corner me in an elevator, grab my ass and try to kiss me. He keeps saying things like "I really miss you. I can't wait to hold you." And I'm like "Oh holy Christ, I can't deal with this." Dean and I have to be discreet because of work and it's not like I can just come out and tell Stephen I'm sleeping with a guy he hates. I have no idea how to handle the situation.
I don't even know what to say about my father, because I honestly don't understand. My father screams and yells at me because I refuse to take sides in this divorce and when my mom tells him EXACTLY what's been going on, he sends me an apology via text message. Oh, did I mention that he never bothered to phone to see if I was alright? His anorexic, suicidal, self harming nineteen year old daughter that just wants her daddy? Nope, not once. Someone in my family went to my dad and told him I called him a jackass on Facebook. I got an email replying to one I had sent him going on about this and that and how I can disrespect him after everything he's done for my brother and I. One, I never said I was talking about my father, I never identified anyone. Second, I feel so betrayed by my own family. With the exception of my cousins, none of my family will have anything to do with me. They took me off their Facebook, Gina deleted me off Chelsea's MSN account. When I need my family the absolute most, they turn their backs on me. Because I live with my mother. Because I choose not to pick sides. I have never felt more alone. My father hasn't talked to me in 38 days. No contact whatsoever. Not even to see if I'm okay. Not.once.
Mediation really wasn't an option for my parents; my dad wasn't willing to compromise. He wanted to give my mom as little as humanly possible, which won't make a difference in helping us to survive. The judge ordered him to pay my mother $1400.00 every month on the 20th for spousal support. His pension will be cut in half and they'll discuss retroactive spousal support at the next hearing. My dad waited eleven days to send a check for $1000.00. We still haven't received the $400 he still owes for February and we have little faith in him paying support this month. He's pushing to sell the property for as little as possible in hopes to buy my mother out (at least we think that's the case) so he owes her nothing. My mom has maxed out every resource she possibly has. We hardly make rent every month and that leaves us nothing for bills, food, medications, nothing. I'm on stress leave, I'm not bringing in any sort of income. I cannot keep going day to day wondering if I'm going to end up on the street or if we're going to have food to eat. My dad has no idea what he's doing.
Obviously, I'm pretty f-ed up. Anorexia's pretty much bottomed out my eating, I'm hacking at my wrists again and my depression is getting worse. Kyle refuses to let me talk about anything going on in my life because we always get into an argument, but he's still friends with Jesse, actually best friends. He pretty much sits there, gets mad at me because my life is not black and white like his and practically defends everything Jesse did to me, while subsequently acting like a complete asshole himself. I told Dean I refuse to put myself into that situation again, I did it for ten months with my ex and I'm sure as hell not doing it with someone who claims to be my best friend. Life feels very empty right now. I feel lost.
That's pretty much all. That's my life.
-C.