God grant me the serenity to
Accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can
And wisdom to know the difference.
I really don't know how to get through this one because it is something that would only happen in my worst nightmares and my nightmare has come true ten fold. Those who know me fairly well know that I try hard to put on a brave face but in reality, I'm not always as brave as I appear. It's been a tough few years and I'm really trying to learn from it and become a better person, but I really don't know what I am supposed to learn from this. What can I learn from someone pulling literally my entire world from underneath me? My family is EVERYTHING to me, absolutely EVERYTHING and to lose something that is my entire world... there are no words for that kind of hurt and I honestly don't believe there is a lesson to be learned from it. I have always believed that things happen for a reason but I can't find logic and reason in this. I have tried, believe me, I have looked at every possible angle to try to make sense of this but I can't.
All the most important things I believed to be true and held so close to my heart have been taken away from me. There are many things I fear in my life, but one of the worst is losing the two girls who are so important to me; who are everything to me and who I love with everything in me. The thought of losing them is suffocating. I could lose everything but if I still had those girls, I would have something worth holding on to. Many, many people in my life I love with all my heart and they give me reason to fight through all the hard times. I can't explain how I feel about those girls; I look at them as my sisters and I am so unbelievably protective of them. I would rather die than have them willingly taken away from me. I can honestly say that all the hurt people have inflicted on me, that one hurt the most cos that was a stab right in my heart. You could not have hurt me worse if you tried.
I'm... I'm honestly trying to make sense of everything and try to understand the mindset and thought processes behind all this but I can't. I have been hurt many times in my life, hurt by someone I loved with all my heart and it took a very long time to be able to even start healing from it. This... this one is different and it tests absolutely everything I believe in and it tests my strength, which wavers greatly at times. I don't believe there is a lesson to be learned through all this. I don't believe in God, I don't have any real faith to speak of, so I can't exactly explain where I'm going to draw any sort of comfort from. Understanding all of this isn't going to make much of a difference because the pain and damage is irreversible. There are things you should never say because you cannot take words back and same goes for actions. I would absolutely love to say that one day I will forget the pain and forgive and forget but I know that isn't possible.
I've never been one to heed the phrase "time heals all wounds" and "what doesn't kill yo makes you stronger" because to be honest, you can say all that until you're blue in the face and it's going to do f-k all. I'm just really, really sad it has come to this because the entire situation could have been avoided completely. No one had to get hurt in this. It's just very hard for me to accept that someone who I trusted with my entire life and I loved very, very much could inflict such pain on anyone, let alone me. I can't understand the reasoning, the logic, the mindset, it makes no sense and I don't think it ever will. Sometimes a person just gets to a point where they can't do it anymore and I'm at that point. My sanity can only take so much and it's been tested every day without all this added on to it. I never thought I would ever, ever say this in my life, because I thought it could only happen in my very worst of nightmares, but I'm finished. I can't do this anymore, I can't put myself through this pain. I hope I can be a stronger, better person through this but I have a feeling that this is and probably has done irreversible damage.
The only thing I hope is that I can draw something out of this whole mess and try to accept it, somehow.
-C.