Oh hey, I'm telepathic! (or telepathetic if you're Mar :D) I can tell my doctor what the results of my blood work will be... it'll be negative. (My white and red blood counts and whatever minerals she's testing are probably off, but I knew that before). DO NOT POKE ME WITH NEEDLES FOR POINTLESS TESTS!!
I like my doctor, she's nice, but seriously... I need my doctors to pull their heads out of their asses and get over this mentality that I'm too young to suffer from Fibromyalgia, because while I understand that it's not common, it DOES HAPPEN. And given my relatively f-ked up medical history, this shouldn't surprise anyone. My immune system leaves a lot to be desired, so there's obviously SOMETHING going on in my system that isn't right. "Oh, your ANA count is only slightly positive"
I have spent countless hours researching what I'm going through and I probably f-king know more than my doctor does (she's not a specialist, she doesn't treat it). There are no tests to diagnose Fibromyalgia and by no means am I self-diagnosing, because my doctor was actually the first person to bring up the possibility and then when my rheumatologist turned out to be a bitch, she did the whole "Oh, you're only nineteen, you're too young. Exercise."
That's the frustrating part of this all, is there are so many symptoms that can indicate something completely different and it's near impossible to find a doctor that will actually diagnose it. Fibromyalgia is still a relatively new disorder in the medical field and there are a LOT of skeptics. I have talked to so many people who have suffered with this who have gone through the same thing with doctors, being told there's nothing wrong because all the tests come back negative. IT IS NOT NORMAL TO BE IN CONSTANT PAIN.
You know, I'm trying really hard to come to terms with this, knowing there's no cure, knowing there's a good possibility that the medications won't work for me. I understand that, I have done relentless research... but the frustration and disappointment of spending three years trying to convince doctors that I'm in pain, it leaves you in a pretty dark place. Just because I look fine doesn't mean I am fine. I have no choice but to fight through this, I have to face reality and the fact that it is what it is... but a lot of days, I feel like I'm living in a nightmare that no one can understand. The frustration is so overwhelming some days and anyone who has been at work with me when I'm having a flare up has seen what it can do to me, at least partially... it leaves me feeling completely, utterly useless. It's frustrating that it took having to go through a flare up so bad that I was on the floor sobbing because I was in so much pain for my doctor to realise that this isn't something that's going away. I've been fighting with this since just after I turned seventeen and I'm going on twenty now.
If I'm moody... chances are, this is one of the reasons. I'm not the kind of person that likes to ask for help, because I need to prove to myself that I'm capable, so when I physically cannot do something, it hits me pretty hard. Thankfully though, this flare up seems to be in its end stages, so I should be back to relative normal (at least being able to have functional use of my arm) in a few days. I haven't lost use or sensation in my left arm since yesterday afternoon so that's a good sign. Between flare ups, I can function pretty well so long as I don't push it too hard. *sigh* Thank God my Mom believes me, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have her fighting to get a diagnosis. She FLIPPED when she found out my rheumatologist accused me of lying about being in pain. She said if she were there, she would've bitch slapped her. And trust me, you don't want to piss off my mama lol.
Thanks to everyone who's been helping me through this and has been patient with me. It really does help on the mental and emotional front of dealing with this, because it does take a toll mentally. Having such great people in my life certainly helps. I consider myself incredibly lucky to have a lot of great friends and family and that helps give me a reason to fight through this. Having this disorder makes me so anxious to help bring light to it, so other people don't have to go through the same hell I've had to.
- C.