Bobby chuckled as he walked into the Mansion kitchen. It was quiet, though, not surprisingly, because he had arrived here around 5am to ensure he would not be caught doing this.
He scoped out the refrigerators for pie, and not finding anything to satisfy him while he caused mischief, he just superglued his laminated rules up on the wall where they would be seen and backed away, careful not to glue his hands to any objects, like he had done the last time he was playing a prank that involved glue. He was not likely to forget that incident, as he had lost a majority of the skin on his palm.
He snuck out of the Mansion again, holding back fits of laughter as he thought of what he had put up in the kitchen.
The X-Men Kitchen Rules
1) Mutant powers are not to be used in the preparation of food without the
express permission of the headmaster. This means you, Gambit.
1a) Logan, I couldn't care less about Apocalypse, Genesis or the Weapon X
project. Your claws are a mutant power.
2) In the event of a heat wave, power outage, etc, Bobby Drake is not to be
used as your personal cooling system.
2a) (Unless you dare to bare!)
2b) Always ignore the added ravings of the frozen lunatic.
3) Regardless of the circumstances under which they are obtained, fowl are
not to be plucked in the presence of members of the faculty. We don't want
Warren to go catatonic all over again.
3a) Well... maybe a little...
4) Any contents in this refrigerator that requires the use of the carbon
dating machine in the lab will be thrown out. (Please do not attempt to carbon
date food, lest we all forget the "Is it an avocado, steak sandwich, or
chocolate cake?" fiasco that required immediate fumigating afterwards.)
4a) In lieu of carbon dating, don't attempt to feed it to any member of the
household on a dare, lest we all forget the "Would you do it for a Klondike
Bar?" fiasco that wound up in the emergency room downtown and yet another
fumigating of the game room, thanks to the instantaneous food poisoning.
4b) If you refuse to throw it away, please send to Forge. At the very least, he
can turn it into a weapon of mass destruction.
5) Anyone found to have broken, removed, clogged up or otherwise
discombobulated the coffee machine will have precisely one hour to clean, repair
or replace it. After that, the matter will be given over to Rogue.
5a) Step between Dr McCoy and the coffee machine at your peril.
5b) Anyone discovered to have given Jubilee coffee, granted Jubilee access to
the coffee maker, by omission failed to prevent Jubilee from getting herself
coffee, or to have been the last person out of the room aside from Jubilee while
the coffee machine is active will be expelled immediately and without appeal.
6) The picture of Professor Xavier above the stove is there - encased with
heat proof glass - for a reason. If you think something might be a bad idea,
just glance at his kindly disapproving eyes, as if they were saying, "Don't go
there, girlfriend" and rethink it.
6a) No, it's not your imagination. They do move.
6b) Despite the urban legend, no, that is not Englebert Humperdink's ascot he is
sporting in the picture.
6c) ... however, the Professor has confirmed that it was a gift from Paul Anka,
Andy Williams, or Francis Ford Coppola.
6d) If the latter is true, a certain member of this household who counts a
certain trilogy among his or her possessions the most prized and can do a very
impressive Brando has the right to make the Professor an offer he can't refuse.
If that offer contains blood, it's his own damn fault.
7) No, Bobby, you may not prank-call the Heroes for Hire from this phone, either.
8) The Ghost of Elvis is not in the green Tupperware bowl in the back of the
fridge. We suspect that the rumour of this started with bad, late night Cajun
cooking and a reluctance to do the dishes. The Ghost of Elvis (not that it is)
is not required to be refrigerated.
8a) Will you wash the bowl already, Remy? It's not like we don't have a
dishwasher or anything - hell, throw it out! Throw it away! Just get it out of
there!
8b) Please do not give The Ghost of Elvis sideburns... you did put those there,
Bobby, right? They're not organic, are they?
9) As you are doubtless all aware, Wolverine can smell what colour underwear
you're wearing from two hundred yards upwind. This means that he will also know
if you've been drinking from the carton. Word to the wise: Don't Do It.
9a) Jubilation, I can read your mind. It doesn't matter that Logan will not, as
you put it, 'rat you out'. I'll still know.
10) While the human body in all its incarnations is - of course - celebrated, looking at your sausage and biscuits while trying to eat my sausage and biscuits is a bit daunting. Disgusting. And I grow untrustful of any stray hairs immediately found after the ordeal.
11) Considering the various and sundry differences in metabolisms and immune
systems that the wonderful world of the X-Factor gene has presented us, proper
food hygiene is to be observed at all times, in dress as well as in
behaviour.
11a) White leather lingerie, spandex swimming trunks, and pink kevlar body
armour do not count as properly hygienic dress. No, not even if worn all three
together, Bobby.
11b) And while we're on the subject of behaviour, the next toaster is coming out
of your pay packet, Kitty.
12) We realize that a lot of us have seen a lot of warped movies and have a
lot of advanced technology on the premises. Please do not combine the two when
cleaning up the kitchen.
12a) Also, please don't try to mind meld with animals to do your chores. It
always winds up with a head ache, a confused monkey, and an even dirtier mess.
13) Food is bought from supermarkets. Not found in the woods.
13a) Nor may you eat your fellow students.
13b) Not even if it will grow back.
13c) Please don't ever tell the children that they're eating Colossus again,
Jubilee.
14) People do talk. Keep that in mind late at night when people wander in and
see things.
14a) People may exaggerate and be generous or stingy, but other people believe
them.
14b) It's your own damn fault for not following rules 10-11, Bobby.
15) Plates are not to be used as Frisbees. Kitchen appliances are not to be
used for scientific experiments or projects (yes, Hank, this does apply to you).
Cutlery is not to be infused with a bio-kinetic charge and thrown at people
except in the event of another alien invasion, DNA purist movement attack or
student riot, and then only when all other options have run out.
15a) Except keys. Don't make me hurt you again, Gambit.
16) Hank's Lab is not part of the kitchen. It is not a place to reheat
leftovers when the microwave is in use.
16a) Gambit is not part of the kitchen. He is not to reheat his own leftovers
when the microwave is in use. Do not listen to his stories about his days as a
youth in New Orleans - if you listen carefully, he steals a lot from Ann Rice.
Your food will not taste good, there will be a harder mess to clean up, and you
have to hear about that time he caught his old friend Lestat eating rats...
17) It's a security system, not an egg timer. Next time you'll have to
explain things to the Avengers personally, Paige.
17a) And to stick with an audience, what goes on in rural Kentucky has nothing
to do with what is acceptable in a private school in upstate New York. Please
use a baggie, like everybody else.
18) If it is morning and it is a song you are singing and you know for a fact
that none of us are deaf, there will be consequences. I can't think of any right
now because it's morning and someone is singing and the coffee isn't done
yet.
18a) Had coffee. Will pour coffee down your pants if you sing.
18b) Decaf. Caffeinated coffee is too good for you.
18c) ...oh...oh god, are you singing songs from "Oklahoma"? Why, why would you
do that? Why are you doing it? Why do you persist on doing that? Why is the
decaf coffee taking so long to make?
19) Addendum: Additions are not to be made to this list before nine o'clock
in the morning or after midnight.
19a) Additions made in magic marker will further not be accepted.
19b) In fact, let's make that additions not made with the knowledge and approval
of at least two senior members of the faculty may be deleted.
20) Food that has a name on it wasn't a handwriting exercise. Next time, there will be a punishment and it will involve Nair.
21) The key to the liquor cabinet is lodged with Mr Summers. The cabinet is
only to be accessed with his permission.
21a) I feel bound to add that any individual who succeeds in persuading our
valiant and fearless leader to grant them access to the aforesaid abode of
alcohol should immediately make haste to the laboratory to share the secret of
precisely how you prevailed.
21b) Remy, I've booby-trapped the lock. Try that again at your own risk.
21c) It's your own fault, Kitty. You helped design that device, after all.
22) When it becomes a question of "Is it milk, cheese, or hair conditioner?",
do not apply the scientific method. No matter how bored you are, and no matter
how available Henry is, Jubilee.
22a) And Bobby.
22b) Just assume that when we say either Jubilee or Bobby, we mean the both of
you.
23) List of objects not to be put in the dishwasher ever again:
- Unrinsed crockery.
- Any part of the Professor's bone china tea service.
- Any of the non-stick pots and pans.
- Marrow's bones. Regardless of their intended purpose.
- Medical equipment. Honestly, Hank, the steriliser in the laboratory cost
$150,000; could you please use it?
- Weaponry of any kind. Even if it's disassembled.
- Cheap cutlery. Unless you want to get stuck with hand-cleaning the resultant
patina off the silverware.
- Cyborg body parts.
- Human body parts.
- Animal body parts.
- Clothing. Including uniforms and body armour.
- Supervillains.
24) When cooking, please apply Occam's Fire Hydrant - ask yourself, "Would
this really be better if I were to light it on fire?"
24a) The answer to Occam's Fire Hydrant is always, "No."
24b) The exception - of course - is Scott's grill.
24c) No, you are not allowed to touch Scott's grill.
24d) No, you are not allowed to buy your own grill in retaliation. Scott earned
his grill privilege, Remy, whereas you are the reason rule #24 exists.
25) I don't care if your powers have finally stopped working. You are not
allowed to do that in here, Rogue.
25a) That goes for the rest of you, too. You have private bedrooms for a
reason.
25b) If you don't have a private bedroom, guess what? That's for a reason, too.
26) You have a lab, Hank. Next time you feel like experimenting on helpless
foodstuffs, take it to the lab. There are some things Twizzlers, whipped cream,
and chipped beef weren't meant to do.
26a) Take Bobby "Eye-Gor" Drake with you. He scares the young ones. And he only
makes you worse.
27) Some of you may remember the Great Blizzard of August '01. Some of you may also be aware that this was a direct result of two team members who shall remain nameless stealing the last tub of Haagen-Dazs for purposes unknown but, given which two team members it was, are probably not suitable for discussion in this setting in any case. If you finish the ice cream, and it's that time of the month, Storm will not be held responsible. You will.
28) While Xavier's accepts all cultures and backgrounds and languages, and understands that the morning is rough on some people, we do ask that if you come here in the morning, you communicate in a vocal language all understands. Interpretive dancing will be reason to get the hose.
29) Violence between inhabitants of the mansion is to be limited to formal
training sessions in the Danger Room. It is certainly not to take place in the
kitchen.
29a) Cyclops reserves the right to schedule extra danger room sessions for any
inhabitants without warning. Especially if they break any of the above rules.
30) Our kitchen has the distinction of having many wondrous utensils. We have can openers for opening cans, bottle openers for opening bottles, ice cream scoops for ice cream, and other items as well. I spent a hellish day downtown getting all the utensils we would ever require so we would never be at a loss. I will be hurt if you insist in persisting in your more creative efforts - not that seeing Cable prove that his weaponry was also a strong contender for the ultimate knife/blender/spatula/masher/meat tenderiser/paper towel/disinfectant/ice maker/can opener/bottle opener/ice cream scoop/jar opener wasn't a very special event in my life.
31) Stop that immediately, Jubilation.
31a) Can't stop 'til I get enough, whoo!
32) A woman is beautiful no matter what. So when we come into the kitchen in
the morning, we ask that you not scream, point guns, snicker, mock, or throw
bacon at our heads. In return, we shall not mention the morning wood - or lack
thereof. Yeah, we know you're wearing boxers, but we can see fall out and
through the key hole. We're attentive like that. And we can point and laugh at
the same time.
32a) See rule #31.
33) As of the addition of any European to our merry band of brothers (and,
indeed, sisters, and... whatever certain members of the student body really
are), Cheese-In-A-Can is once again banned from the Mansion, on pain of
lobotomy.
33a) Similarly, anyone using the term 'Champagne' to describe anything other
than a high-quality sparkling white wine from the Champagne region of France
(that's France in Europe, Bobby) will find themselves nursing the worst migraine
on the planet.
33b) Further to the above, if the phrase 'French Champagne' should ever pass
your lips, you'll save time and trouble by scooping out your own brains and
dumping them in the deep-fat fryer.
34) The only fuzzy things allowed in the kitchen are Hank, Kurt, Warren, and
peaches. And there's nothing fuzzy allowed to be in the refrigerator.
34a) That fuzzy verboten list includes whatever the hell that is on your chin
and lip, Bobby.
34b) Warren's wings are not fuzzy. They are of a silken softness that to know
heaven is to know touching them.
34c) Warren, please refer to rule 19b.
35) Organic waste, including vegetable matter and uncooked food, is to be
placed in the bin marked 'Organic Waste'. Recyclable metal, including cans, is
to go in the 'Recyclable Metal' bin. Paper and card is to have all staples
removed and be placed in the paper bin. Cooked food, plastics and non-recyclable
packaging is to go in the general bin. Empty jars and bottles are to be
hand-washed and placed in the box by the door.
35a) 19b, Hayseed.
35b) Professor X told me to add this, Jubilee.
35c) We have a Shi'ar-built recycling unit that can turn all of the above into a
mixture of clean fuel and environmentally friendly fertiliser. What on Earth
makes you think the above measures are even necessary?
36) You will note we do not have a television in the kitchen. This does not
mean you can uproot the television in the rec room and set it up on the table
because there is a very imporant Emeril Lagasse special on the Food Network. Not
only is it an inconvenience to clean up, no one wants to eat it. Refer to rule
#4b.
36a) As well as having no television in the kitchen, you may not emulate certain
television shows. Mainly because when Bobby and Hank did Iron Chef, they did not
invite me to partake.
37) Kitchen equipment is not to be re-designed or re-built. In particular,
Hank, the microwave is not to be customised to pick up Playboy TV, and the
refrigerator is not to be used as an interstellar communications device.
37a) New rule: No weapons whatsoever in the kitchen.
37b) My eyes are not a weapon.
37c) Please refer to rules #10 and #11 for other so called "concealed weapons".
38) Ants occasionally raid our beloved kitchen. We have prepared for such an
invasion with over the counter pesticides, sprays, and a number to the local
exterminator. "Because I was feeling lazy" is not a valid excuse when someone
returns and finds an ice with little ants suspended in it.
38a) We're really, really sorry for blaming you, Bobby - you really can't blame
us for turning to you first about that matter, given the nature of the act. We
had no idea Ororo had problems with ants.
39) Please observe the cooking rota on the bulletin board. Follow it. If you
can't cook on the day you're down for, arrange an exchange.
39a) Addendum: Let me remind you all that this remains a high-security
semi-secret headquarters for a band of Mutant freedom fighters/vigilantes.
Mansion security can just about survive pizza delivery. It cannot survive an
army of caterers and a Frenchman named Marcel who won't even let me in the door,
let alone to the coffee machine.
40) The basic use for food is for nourishment of our bodies. It should not be
used in the following manners:
- Face tonic
- Art
- Science projects
- Erotic means
- Curiosity
- Living out your Carmen Miranda fantasy (see Rule #22b)
- Weaponry
- "Natural" male enhancement
- Bribery
- Poisoning
41) Even if you have a note signed by the headmaster, you still can't perform
black magic rituals in the kitchen.
41a) While we acknowledge that voudoun is not actual black magic as such, it's
still not allowed in here.
41b) Just take the chicken outside, okay?
42) I cannot stress this enough - you need to take OUT the garbage. Do not
attempt to do the following the garbage:
- Zap it
- Freeze it
- Telekinetically move it outside
- Mind meld with it
- Throw it out
- Shove it out
- Drag it out
- Create a sculpture out of it
- Play an intricate game of stacking
- Hire monkeys to take it out (this bears repeating)
- Teleport it out (garbage on top of brimstone is NOT pleasant. The fumigators
are beginning to call us "Xaviers Institute of CHA-CHING!")
43) Food fights are hereby absolutely and definitively forbidden. It is not
permissible to throw food at any other resident of the mansion, or to use your
powers to launch food at any other resident of the mansion.
43a) Using teleportation or speed powers to move other residents of the mansion
into the path of food that you have just launched into empty space is also
forbidden.
43b) Blowing food up, regardless of whether or not there's actually someone
standing near it, is also forbidden.
43c) The construction of booby traps incorporating food is also forbidden.
43d) Yes, flour is a food. So is macaroni. And so are Sugar Bombs.
43e) Addendum: Sugar Bombs are not food in the sense of being capable of
incorporation into a balanced diet. However, for the purposes of the ban on food
fighting, Sugar Bombs are provisionally classified as 'food', on the grounds
that I can't be bothered to write out the really, really long words that Hank
has given us as the proper classification.
44) Please do not bring up the ex of any team member when others are eating.
It will induce vomiting.
44a) Especially if the ex-girlfriend has an alliterative name and is on a major
news network.
44b) Especially if the ex-girlfriend has an affinity for commodious
trousers.
44c) Yeah, well, especially if the ex girlfriend is -- you know what, I'm not
going to go around it, if the ex-girlfriend is DAZZLER. Yeah, DAZZLER, Hank! YOU
DID DAZZLER! YOU PROFESSED LOVE TO DAZZLER!
44d) Bobby, we were eating...!
44e) Bobby, how on earth did you figure out I was talking about you?
44f) The thesaurus you gave me for Christmas, Hank. I don't just use it for a
coaster.
44g) Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
44h) Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert. (I also read the book on Latin.)
45) You are not allowed to adopt your mutant/powered up/animal form in the
kitchen except in the event of a serious attack by hostile outsiders.
45a) This ties in to rule 42, Jean.
46) While we don't expect anyone to be overtly cheery and perky in the
morning, the phrase "Good morning" shouldn't contain any four letter words aside
from the word "good".
46a) Nor should any response to the greeting of "good morning".
46b) And you can't say the word "French", either. Not even referring to coffee.
After someone's utterings of "French tart" near Gambit when we can only assume
he was PMS'ing, it's better to be safe than sorry.
46c) I only cried because of rule #24. It was a coincidence.
47) Scenes from films are not to be acted out in the kitchen. Firstly, these
are more or less guaranteed to violate at least one of the previous rules.
Secondly, because I say so. And thirdly, because it's only funny when Monty
Python does it, anyway.
47a) Also, no affecting radical personality changes before ten o'clock. Trust
me, you really don't want to convince Havok, Shadowcat or Bishop that they're in
another alternate reality.
48) I know that you are young and in love and that you are obeying rule #25,
but cooing and spouting such things as, "Thank you for loving me!" in the
kitchen when there are people who haven't lost their hearing are present is
still a violation.
48a) Rule #31. I don't care that she just kicked your ass in the Danger Room.
You're still not allowed to go around cooing things like 'Thank you for hating
me'.
49) Kitchen furniture stays in the kitchen, same as the appliances. You may not attempt to use the kitchen table as a Pirate Raft in the mansion swimming pool, you may not steal the chairs and take them up to your room, and you may not steal the lightbulbs because you can't be bothered to go to the storeroom.
50) No talking above a seventh grade reading level before 9 - make that 10-11
a.m.
50a) It's not that I converse much before my first cup of coffee -
50b) That sounded like an SAT word, Hank.
50c) Hardly. I was merely conveying the fact that my verbosity does not quite
facilitate until well after -
50e) Get him.
50f) Don't make me break rule #37a.
50g) You'll have to get past me first.
50h) I'll just break rule #42.
50i) With what? What could you -
50j) Veni, vidi, vici.
50k) Gross! Gambit is so going to rule #29, #10 & #11 you, #23 you, and then #35
you.
50l) ...JEAN! Hank's trying to #24 me!
50m) Jean, that's a direct violation of rule #42.