On a more personal note, I got my period a week early and I'm severely pissed off now. Well, actually, I sunk into a nice black hole of depression, which is strange cos I don't particularly have a reason for it. Besides Mom going "just because you can't get pregnant on your birth control doesn't mean you can not use condoms when you have sex. There's STDs and you always have to wear a condom, blah blah blah" going on this tirade about condoms and making me feel like she thinks I'm stupid or something. "The only reason you didn't get pregnant when you were with Jesse was because you took Plan B".
Uh... Mom, I don't think you realise that Jesse and I were having sex... like twice at least three days a week? For two months? That rounds off to be abooooooooooout... forty eight times, roughly... I stopped keeping track after about the third time. That Plan B was incredibly unnecessary and do you think I'm stupid enough to sleep with a guy without asking him his sexual history, condom or no condom? Like f-ing hell, give me a break, I'm far more aware of how the whole sex thing in a relationship goes than you are, so don't go lecturing me on what I should or should not be doing in regards to having sex. I KNOW. As much as I wanna have sex with Dean again and it's eventually gonna happen, this is something we're gonna talk about. There just hasn't been an urgent need seeing how we can't be together right now, for various reasons. UGH. I am almost twenty years old and I'm quite smart when it comes to things and despite the fact that I used a condom with Jesse a grand total of ONCE does not mean I'm going to do something to get myself pregnant or catch an STD.
For f-s sakes, Dean is the first guy I`ve met who is actually HONEST with me and I know for a goddamn fact that he wouldn`t lie to me. Trust me, I`ve tried to doubt him half a million times, but when there was always a part of me that told me I couldn`t trust Jesse or Pat, even when I made myself trust them and didn`t listen to that instinct, I`ve got the complete opposite feeling with Dean. I don`t want to trust him because I`m afraid to get hurt, but my heart is telling me to trust him. He`s different and I know that sounds cliched and trite, especially coming from the girl who was in an abusive relationship and it sounds like I`m making excuses, but I`m honestly not. I have searched for every possible reason under the sun not to trust Dean, I have kept my eyes open for every possible hint that he can`t be trusted and he hasn`t done a single thing to give me a reason. The exact opposite, actually.
"Chantelle, you know I would never force you to do anything you don`t want to. I want to know what you`re comfortable with and to tell me if there`s ever something you`re not. It would be wrong of me not to consider your feelings and opinions in this. I want you to know that you can feel comfortable being open with me and you have nothing to be embarrassed about." I haven`t exactly blurted out every reason why I`m iffy about things or things that make me uncomfortable and the reasons behind it, but if he gets pushy about something (and surprisingly, never in a way that I`ve ever felt uncomfortable), I`ll simply explain to him the reason why I`m saying no and the amounts of times he`s apologized and felt bad about it? Yes, I know what I`m doing. I`m having a harder time convincing Dean that he is a good person and I can see it, even if he doesn`t. There is not one reason why I`m not surprised I fell so hard for him. I am not capable of having sex without there being some meaning behind it and he more or less understands that. He knows I have feelings for him. He means the world to me, for so many different reasons. He sees the real me and can accept that with all my flaws and isn`t put off by that. He thinks I`m beautiful (well, he tells me I`m hot and have an amazing figure, but all rounds up to be the same thing) and I know, I KNOW he`s not just saying that. I`ve already said I want to sleep with him, it`s not like he has to continue to go on to get me into bed but he says it anyway. I wish he could see what I do, I wish he could see that he is capable of making someone incredibly happy. The way he makes my heart feel when I get a text early in the morning saying he wishes he were in bed next to me... sometimes it`s because he wants me in a physical sense (and I want that too) but sometimes it`s just because he wants to cuddle and be next to someone. And he wants that with me.
For once, I`m not going to doubt and I`m just going to enjoy the feeling of being wanted and cared about. Even if I`m not his girlfriend, even if he just looks at me as a good friend who he`s attracted to... this feeling is so spectacular because I never thought I`d be capable of feeling these emotions again. As much as I want to stay guarded and be cynical and say that he`s just going to hurt me and he doesn`t care... my heart just won`t let me. For whatever reason, my heart is telling me for once that I shouldn`t doubt this. And I won`t. Because I believe in following my heart and I haven`t before. I haven`t followed my instincts or my gut feelings and it`s gotten me hurt.
Only thing is I`m so scared of losing Stephen from my life. I care about him so much, I do, he is an amazing guy, but... my heart right now lies with Dean and has since long before Stephen made his feelings for me known. A part of me will always carry a love for Stephen but at this point in my life, it`s not the kind of love that could sustain a relationship with him. He deserves better. He deserves a less fucked up girl and that`s why I won`t be with him, besides the obvious fact that I am insanely head over heels for Dean. I can see Stephen finding out about the anorexia (which has come back in full force, might I add...), about the self harm, about the depression and suicidal tendencies... and I can see that hurting him very profoundly. I cannot and will not do that to him. Maybe when everything is said and done, there will be a time for Stephen and I and a part of me is hoping that`s the case, but it isn`t right now. And yes, as much as I care for Dean... my lack of feelings towards Stephen hurts me more than I can willingly let on. Everything is very much bittersweet right now. I have found someone who really does care for me, even if he doesn`t want a relationship and he makes me very happy and embrace myself as a person who is worthy of love and caring... but I risk losing someone who I hold very dear to my heart and means the world to me. How I wish I could love Stephen the way I want to... the way I fear he feels for me. I don`t know if he loves me, in that way, but I see the way Stephen looks at me and I hate myself for not being able to reciprocate it. *sigh*
Alright, well... I should be going. This is the first time I`ve actually verbalized my thoughts and feelings about Dean and Stephen at the current moment in time... I haven`t been able to thus far, for fear of admitting the truth that I`ve known all along... and I just did and I fear the guilt may very well keep me from being truly happy. And yes, there is not a moment that goes by where I wonder if I`m giving up a chance at happiness by not being with Stephen, but vice versa goes when I consider completely ending everything with Dean to be with Stephen. I`m very much at a Catch 22 right now. But like I said, I need to go with my heart, I need to look out for myself and my own feelings for once and worry more about myself and less about others for the first time in my life. I just don`t know if I`m actually capable of doing such; it seems like far too much of a selfish thing for me to do. My entire life so far has been to please everyone else, make everyone else happy and to hell with what I feel, what happens to me happens. Which could provide a good explanation as to why I have been so suicidal in the past; my happiness, in my mind, never matters. I spend my life trying to please everyone else and I become miserable from not paying attention to my own needs and happiness that depression sinks in and I forget what it means to be happy. 2007 will be the year that I find what it means to be happy again. I will not lose myself and my integrity or my morals, but I will better myself to better be able to help others attain happiness.
`You`ve gotta love yourself before you can ever love me` - Whatever It Takes by Lifehouse
Always and forever,
-C.