Xander and Anya
Xander looked at the piece of paper he held, which had Anya and Andrew's address scribbled messily in blue pen on it. He double checked the number on the letter box, then headed up the path to the house.
He sighed, rubbed his eyes tiredly and hoisted his bag higher on his shoulder, then knocked on the door.
A few moments later, Anya opened it, looking tired and annoyed. Her face brightened slightly.
"Xander!"
Xander kissed her cheek softly.
"Have a spare bed for a one eyed ex fiance?"
"Maybe, maybe not," Anya replied, letting him into the house.
"Andrew!"
Andrew
"What is it, Anya?" Andrew called out, getting up from his computer.
He came through and blinked at Xander, then smiled.
"Hey, Xander."
Anya and Xander
"He needs a place to stay," Anya said to Andrew.
"Hey Andrew, up for a game of D and D later?" Xander asked.
Andrew
"Sure!" Andrew said happily.
"Actually, you might want to look at the new roleplaying system I'm thinking of buying. It's done by a company called White Wolf. They do this whole series which is like...our lives. Well, the modern day equivalents are. I'm thinking of getting the Vampire: Dark Ages system books though. Because Vampire: the Masquarade would be too close to actual work."
Anya and Xander
Anya rolled her eyes.
"It's geek central."
"Hey!" Xander protested.
"Oh sorry," Anya said, not sounding sorry at all. "Why are you here?"
"Well, seeing as I am Faith's Watcher... and she's in New York, it makes sense that I should be here too."
Anya shook her head.
"Well, I'll let you two geeks get caught up, while I go organise a room, and stop Devon from smoking."
She started up the stairs.
"Don't think I don't know what you're doing, Devon MacLeish!"
Xander chuckled.
"So, what's this new game like?"
Andrew & Devon
"You play a vampire," Andrew said.
"You can play werewolves as well, or humans who hunt demons of the night, the Inquisitors."
"Yeah, I'm just...looking at magazines. You could come help me turn the pages, Anya!" Devon yelled back.
Anya and Xander
Anya knocked loudly on Devon's door.
"Keep in mind that we are not obligated to look after you, Devon! Step out of line and you'll be out of here so fast you won't even have time to roll a joint!"
Xander nodded, looking interested.
"I'll have to check that out."
Andrew & Devon
"Yes, even if they've just released the Gehenna end of time series, it's still playable," Andrew said.
"The gaming system looks easy to use too."
"Oh, bite me," Devon mumbled to himself.
Anya and Xander
"I heard that," Anya muttered, turning around and finding a room for Xander.
"I still like D and D. How is old Trogdor doing?"
Oz and Xander
Oz sat with Willow in the living room and looked almost surprised when he saw Devon sail past the window. He got up and stuck his head out the window.
"Man, you should stop stirring her."
Xander grinned back.
"Shall we go pay him a visit?"
Devon & Andrew
Devon stared upwards at the sky.
"Oh...you can BLOW ME, OZ! Oh god, Oz, uh, yeah!"
Andrew chuckled slightly.
"Before Anya kills him?"
"OH GOD! OZ! F*CK! Ah, harder! OH GOD!"
Oz and Xander
Willow twirled her fingers and a bucket of ice cold water tipped over Devon's head.
Oz chuckled.
Xander nodded.
"Speaking of, how is Obi Wan?"
Devon & Andrew
"AHHHHHH! WILLOW, YOU BITCH!"
Devon yelped and ran for the kitchen door, wet through and shivering.
"He's fine," Andrew said, leading Xander through to his room. Devon went past them at a run, dripping water and lips slightly blue.
"SUCH A GODDAMNED BITCH! Why am I the only normal one here? WHY?!"
Oz and Xander
Willow giggled.
"Keep calling me names and you will regret it, Devvie baby!" she called after him.
Oz shook his head and kissed her cheek.
Xander followed Andrew, grinning.
"Nothing cahgned since high school. Good to see."
Devon & Andrew
Devon disappeared into his room, slamming the door behind him.
"WILLOW! MY DICK IS BLUE! It's not MEANT to be that colour! AHHHH!"
Devon's scream was pure frustration, because he knew that if he valued his life and his maleness, he wouldn't be getting her back for it.
Andrew blushed slightly.
"No, not that much."
Oz and Xander
Willow clicked and turned it green.
"How about now?"
Oz chuckled.
Xander looked over Andrew's collectables.
"Oh, you have Bobba Fett?!"
Devon & Andrew
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
A thump sounded from behind the door as Devon noisily fainted.
"Yes," Andrew said smugly.
"I think I'm only missing some of the early sets now."
Oz and Xander
"Oh Goddess," Willow sighed, then turned him back to normal.
"Drama queen."
Oz chuckled again.
Xander looked jealous.
"Damn."
Devon & Andrew
Devon didn't comment, because he was out cold, lying mostly naked on the floor.
Andrew grinned.
"It's keeping Anya's hands off them that's the hard part."
Xander
"Yeah, she has a real thing for collectables. Doesn't see the point."
Xander shook his head.
"Insane."
Andrew
"She just doesn't understand," Andrew agreed.
"And yes, she is insane. I think most women are. I am glad Oz and Devon are here...most of the time."
Xander
"You're game to admit that."
Xander grinned.
Andrew
"I have to be quiet, or the Sisterhood will get me," Andrew said, grinning back.
"Hell on earth is being in a house where all the women have PMS at the same time, and you're the only male."
Xander
"Well, I am here to save you from that."
Xander nodded.
"D and D?"
Andrew
"Yep, I'll just get my books and dice..."
Andrew rummaged through his room, fetching the things they needed to play.
"C'mon, we can play on the kitchen table."
Xander, Oz and Anya
Xander followed Andrew to the kitchen, passing Anya.
"You wanna play?" he asked.
"No, but I'll watch you make fools of yourselves over a simple game with plastic toys," she replied.
"Dungeons and Dragons isn't a game, Anya," Xander said patiently, his tone clearly showing they'd had this discussion many times before.
"It's a way of life. And a simple 'no' would've been satisfactory."
Anya huffed slightly and went into the kitchen with them, where Willow and Oz were sitting, munching on cake of some sort.
"Wanna play, Oz, Will?"
Xander ruffled Willow's long red hair slightly.
She grinned.
"I'm game to take on Red Riding Hood and Snoopy Dancer Harris. What about you, Oz?"
"I think I'll oberseve with quiet reflection," he said.
"There's a surprise," Willow joked.
Andrew & Devon
Andrew grinned slightly.
"Devon, want to play D&D?"
"No," Devon announced.
"But I will stand by to point and laugh."
He glared at Willow.
"I *hate* you."
Xander and Anya
"Devvie, want leprosy? Keep it up, and you can have it," Willow replied casually.
Xander cracked his knuckles.
"Ok. Let's do it!"
"Geeks unite," Anya muttered.
Devon & Andrew
"When did Willow turn into such a bitch?" Devon asked.
"She was nice in high school."
Andrew raised an eyebrow as he set up the game. Devon poked his tongue out at Andrew.
"Virgin."
"Shut up," Andrew grumbled.
Xander and Oz
"I'm still nice, tell him Oz," Willow protested.
"She's still nice," Oz said automatically, pulling her down onto his lap.
Xander chuckled and picked out a little socerer figurine.
Devon & Andrew
"And Andrew is still a virgin in every which way, despite living in a house full of women and me," Devon said.
"You're slightly full of it," Andrew said, selecting a figurine and putting it on the board.
"No, stating truth! For I am Devon, the Sex God!"
Xander
"Colin, God of Sex, just in the wrong continent," Xander said, chuckling.
"Come on Red Riding Hood!" Willow cheered.
Devon & Andrew
"I'm going to go get stoned, since none of you appreciate my sexiness," Devon declared, and left for his room.
Then he reappeared and zoomed for the phone.
"I need to get laid. I'll call Tavvie."
Andrew chuckled slightly.
"YOu enter a dank room. The stone walls seep moisture and there is a X'lethos slime monster lying in wait. What do you do?"
Xander
"Bag of illusions! Bag of illusions!" Xander chanted.
Willow chuckled.
Andrew
"The X'lethos demon laughs at you before sliming you in the face," Andrew said.
"The slime sets hard almost instantly."
Xander
"Play dead and fold for now!" Willow chanted.
"Play dead," Xander agreed.
Andrew & Devon
"The X'lethos demon ignores what it thinks is your corpse," Andrew said.
"Suddenly, a bright light appears and the demon flees, wailing in pain as its eyes are hurt by the light. A hand reaches down and turns you over. You hear a soft female voice say, 'Too late, again.'"
"Yeah, I want to speak to Tavvie," Devon said into the phone.
"Tell him it's Devon."
Xander
"Willlllll, help meeeee!" Xander begged.
"Hmmm."
Andrew & Devon
Andrew smiled.
"Suddenly, the X'lethos demon reappears!"
"Taaaaaaaaavie, get your sweet ass over here now," Devon purred into the phone.
"Get your sister to bring you over."
Xander
"I fight it."
Xander nodded decisively.
Andrew & Devon
"The demon leaps upon you, raking for your face with its claws," Andrew said.
"What, is the demon gay?" Devon asked.
"Devon..."
"No, I wasn't talking to you, Tav, just hassling the virgin," Devon said into the phone.
He looked up at Andrew.
"Tav says he'll happily blow you. Take the edge off your virginity."
Andrew blushed heavily and then dropped his head into his hands. Devon smiled wickedly.
Xander
Willow whispered in Xander's ear and he did as she said, then whooped in victory.
"Yes! Demon's dead!"
Andrew, Devon, Octavian & Demetria
"Congratulations, you can have 10 experience points for killing the demon," Andrew said.
"There are two doors leading out of the room. One on the left, one on the right."
"Great, see you soon then."
Devon hung up and looked bored before Octavian and Demetria appeared in the room. Devon pounced on Octavian, kissing him forcefully and backing him up against a cupboard. Demetria giggled slightly.
"Well, someone's anxious."
A muffled moan was heard as Devon's hand cupped Octavian's crotch.
Xander, Anya and Oz
"Hey," Oz greeted, resting his head on Willow's shoulder.
Xander grinned.
"Hmm... right. No left."
"Go upstairs," Anya said, not looking up.
Octavian, Devon, Andrew & Demetria
"Why, Anya, one might think you were interested or something," Octavian said cheekily.
"Upstairs, bed, hell, wall at the moment, now," Devon ordered.
"Your wish is my command, oh beneficent Master."
Devon grinned and the two left.
"You enter a room, filled with luxuries," Andrew said.
"Gold glitters from open chests, silk hangings line the wall. Congratulations, you found the demon's lair."
"Why, what are you all doing?" Demetria asked.
"And hello."
"Playing D&D," Andrew said.
"Ah, I see."
Xander
Xander and Willow slapped each other high five's.
"Whooo!"
Andrew, Demetria & Octavian
Andrew smiled.
"What will you do with this incredible bounty?"
Demetria sat down a chair next to Anya.
"Anya, I have a question..."
"AH GOD!" Octavian wailed.
"He's so very loud," Demetria tutted.
Xander and Anya
"Buy weapons," Xander said.
"And some magicks."
Anya looked at Demetria.
"Yes, small blonde woman who is having a lot of sex with her brother?"
"Anya!" Willow hissed.
Andrew & Demetria
Andrew blushed heavily, but persevered with the game.
"Do you wish to trace back your steps and leave the dungeon, going to the nearest town?"
Demetria smiled slightly.
"Not this week. What I was going to ask was...do you recognise this? I might as well take advantage of your...age and experience."
She turned and flipped her top up, showing her mark from Khaos where it scrawled across her back.
Xander and Anya
"Go ahead," Xander said.
Anya peered at it, then nodded.
"Mark of Khaos. She must like you."
Andrew & Demetria
"You walk back into the town of Byroads," Andrew said.
"The townsfolk eye you warily, envy in their expressions."
"Well, is that a good thing?" Demetria asked, dropping her top again.
Xander and Anya
"Ha ha!"
Anya nodded.
"It means she's Claimed you. She'll help you, give you rewards, and all sorts. Khaos is pretty nice, she praised me in my demon days... congratulated me after I had a man lie with his sheep."
Andrew & Demetria
"You enter the markets. Vendors promote their wares loudly, livestock add their own noise and the scent of spices and magicks hangs heavy in the air," Andrew said.
"Well, that's good to hear," Demetria said.
"Tavvie got one too."
Xander and Anya
"Buy some chaos magic, and some weapons," Xander said.
"You should be very protected now," Anya supplied.
Andrew & Demetria
"You purchase the best there is to find in the markets, and barely make a dent in what you took from the demon's lair," Andrew said.
"Nice to know," Demetria said.
"So...what's Khaos like?"
Xander and Anya
"Cool..." Xander nodded.
"Your turn yet?"
Anya pursed her lips thoughtfully for a moment.
"Um... she's the first of all the Greek Gods... doesn't interfere directly... more power than most. Excellent drinker... we went out to a pub a few thousand years ago and she did the funniest thing to a man with a sacrificial - "
She cut herself off, seeing Xander and Willow's faces.
"Guess you had to be there."
Andrew & Demetria
Andrew nodded.
"I use my share of the treasure to upgrade my weapons, and buy a horse."
"No, go on, it sounds amusing," Demetria said.
"Men in pain is ALWAYS amusing."
Xander and Anya
"Ooh a horse."
Anya giggled.
"There was a man with a goat and..."
She whispered the rest in Dem's ear.
Andrew & Demetria
"Yes," Andrew said.
"A horse. I then go and buy saddle and tack."
Demetria giggled.
"Sounds like fun."
Xander and Anya
"You buy the saddle, but it breaks, do you... return it, or fix it yourself?"
Anya nodded.
"Exactly... and I do recall hearing something about a thief wronging you... if you like, I could - "
"Anya," Willow warned.
Andrew & Demetria
"I return the saddle to the shopkeeper and threaten him with my sword," Andrew said.
"That would be nice, Anya," Demetria said.
"I was thinking something along the lines of castration."
Xander and Anya
Xander nodded.
"Your saddle gets fixed and you ride out of town, coming across a group of bandits."
Anya glared at Willow, then scribbled some words down.
"I can't, myself, although I would like to... but here is the incantation for a number of vengeance demons."
Andrew & Demetria
"I draw my sword and start to fight them," Andrew said.
"You can help me get really inventive," Demetria said.
"Castration, while relieving my feelings is so cliched."
Xander and Anya
"Demons appear from nowhere, stealing some of the treasure."
Anya nodded.
"Well, there was one woman who wished her husband would lay with all his sheep... which got a little messy."
Andrew & Demetria
"Oh dear," Andrew said.
"I valiantly fight off the demons, then use chaos magick to bind them."
"Oooh..." Demetria said.
"That has possibilities."
Xander and Anya
Xander smiled.
"The demons retreat, but not before depleting your food supplies."
"Then there was this one time, a woman wished her husband would cannibalize himself. Even I had a hard time watching that, let me tell you."
Andrew & Demetria
"I ride towards where I have been told is a lair of a dragon," Andrew said.
Demetria laughed.
"How fun."
Xander and Anya
"The dragon is displeased."
Anya nodded.
"I like to think so."
Andrew & Demetria
"Thousands of men do not agree," Andrew told the two women, before turning his attention back to the game.
"I use a spell of ice on the dragon, freezing it solid."
"Thousands of men can cower before my wrath," Demetria said.
"Men exist to serve and protect."
Xander and Anya
"You find a map in the dragon's lair, but it shows a course you have heard evil tales about."
"Men exist to make money and take me nice places," Anya said.
Andrew & Demetria
"Um..."
Andrew thought for a moment.
"I will follow the map anyway. Xander, I think this colaboration between the two of them may turn out the worst for men everywhere."
"Awwww, but we could never hurt you, Andrew," Demetria said.
"So cute and harmless."
"I should be insulted," Andrew said thoughtfully.
"But will instead be thankful."
Anya
"Unless you annoy me, in which case, you will suffer," Anya said to Andrew.
Andrew
"Leave my collectibles alone, and we should both be fine," Andrew said.
"Don't make me summon something to mess up your hair. Demon bunnies. *Flying* demon bunnies."
Anya
Anya slapped Andrew over the head.
"How dare you!"
Andrew
Andrew moved out of range.
"Bunnies, Anya, bunnies...with their little twitchy noses and cottontails."
Anya
Anya screamed, then got up and ran upstairs.
"OBI WAN!"
Andrew & Demetria
"Oh no! My action figures!" Andrew exclaimed.
Demetria giggled, then put her hand on his shoulder, teleporting them both to his room. Andrew hurried to protect his dolls, while Demetria collapsed on his bed, laughing.
"I HAVE BUNNY SLIPPERS, ANYA, AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE THEM!"
Anya
Anya simply smiled, then waved as she went to use the phone.
"I wonder where D'Hoffren's number is."
Andrew
"ANYA! No calling of D'Hoffren!" Andrew exclaimed.
Anya
"Then no bunnies!" she shouted.
Anya held the phone in her hand.
Andrew
"Say you won't hurt my action figures then!" Andrew shouted back.
"And why aren't you people down there stopping her?"
Anya
"Too amusing!" Willow yelled up.
"Fine."
Anya nodded.
"Fine deal."
Andrew
"Ok!"
Andrew sighed with relief.
Xander
"Can we get back to the game?" Xander called.
He lazily rolled a glass in his hands.
Andrew, Demetria & Octavian
Andrew came back downstairs and recommenced playing. Demetria came and continued to gossip with Anya about how to cause pain and humilation to men. And Octavian kept having his brains shagged out by Devon.