Taylor glanced at the clock on the wall with teary eyes one more time as he stood outside Zac's bedroom door. It was almost two o'clock in the morning, and he felt extremely bad for what he was about to do.
He gave the door a soft knock, before pushing it open slightly. He knew that wouldn't have been enough to wake his brother up on its own.
"Zac?" he called softly, light filtering in from the hallway.
Zac
Zac yawned.
"What is it?" he mumbled, not even opening his eyes.
Taylor
"Zac?" Taylor tried again with a frown, this time almost hissing.
"I need you to wake up. Come on!"
Zac
Zac grumbled, but twisted around in bed and opened his eyes.
"What do ya want?"
Taylor
Taylor hesitated, then began fiddling with his fingers.
"Well..."
Then he began to do some serious babbling.
"I kinda... feel like... you know. I feel like I need to hurt myself again and considering what happened last time it happened and you were there and I sort of figured you might have an idea or be able to stop it because you did last time and then we kind of went off on a tangent and you spoke to Tanya but that wasn't really for the same thing..."
His voice was getting more teary as he spoke.
Zac
Zac woke up on the words "I need to hurt myself again". He got out of the bed, turned on the light and closed the door. Then he sat back down on the bed and patted a spot next to him.
"Come, sit," he said. "Sorry I was so grumpy before, but it is the middle of the night."
He hoped he would be able to replicate his efforts.
Taylor
Taylor hugged himself, and sat beside his brother on the bed.
"Sorry for this," he insisted, shaking his head.
Zac
"Don't worry," Zac replied. "I'm glad that you believe you can come to me. Which you can."
He paused, and licked his lips, uncertain as to what to say.
"So, ahh... why do you feel you need to hurt yourself? Do you know?"
Taylor
Taylor shrugged.
"I just have the urge," he frowned, literally struggling with himself not to just do it.
"I just feel like I need it, but... I'm still able to partly convince myself I don't. I mean, maybe it's getting better? I don't know. I hate it. I hate feeling like this."
He bit his lip, trying to stop himself babbling as well.
Zac
"Yeah, well, I'd hate feeling like that too," Zac said.
Perhaps he should just get off the topic. He chewed his lip for a moment, then spotted a particular book on his shelf.
"Oh, hey, that's something we never did. Check up on the Prodigal Son thing that Jayden said to us at Church the other week. We were going to... wnat to do that now? Nothing like philsophical discussion in the middle of the night."
Then, unable to help himself, started singing:
"In the middle of the night
I was walking in my sleep"
Taylor
Taylor managed to relax slightly, and nodded.
"Ok," he agreed, "we need to do it anyway."
Zac
Zac fished out his Bible, flipped back to the concordence to find the story reference, then turned to the book of Luke, and subsequencly, the parable in question. He held his Bible so that they could both read the story easily.
Taylor
"If He was so set on this story being the one, then everything must have a certain significance..." Taylor began softly.
"So... It starts off the brothers get equal share of... everything."
Zac
"Well... I dunno... maybe the band?" Zac suggested. "I mean, Dad gave up his career for ours. So we have an equal share in that. But then the son goes away and squanders his inheritance."
Taylor
"Well maybe that part's in reverse?" Taylor suggested.
"Maybe the eual share thing is actually negative, and the 'squandering' so to speak, happened before that took place. Which would be your side. I mean it completely changes the story around, but it kind of fits..."
Zac
Zac scratched his head.
"Or maybe the squandering isn't what we think it is? I mean, okay... I have a ton of kids right? Maybe that's kinda the squandering my inheritance thing? Kids do cost money. Or maybe the concern isn't money. Maybe it's like, I dunno, creativity, or sanity, or life or something."
Taylor
"If it's not what we think it is then there's a lot of openings," Taylor shrugged, obviously having relaxed even further.
"I don't particularly feel as though either of us has taken advantage of someone else's good will."
Zac
"Well, maybe, umm... I don't know," Zac said. "If you skip to the end of the story, the brothers are having trouble reconcilling, so if they're us, then all the stuff that happened before has already happened. Sooooo I guess umm... one of us has had to come back from living with and serving the lowest of the low and wasn't sure if they would be accepted back. Which of course they were, but everyone except the brother. So I mean, which..."
Zac trailed off and chewed his lip.
Taylor
Taylor hesitated, getting a strange pheremone reading even though he didn't realise it at the time.
"What?" he asked, looking up.
Zac
"I dunno..." Zac said tentatively. "It just... well, you kinda left... You know, you could all tortured and stuff by Blaksley, and then this alterego thing happened and everyone else - well, everyone we've told, is all 'yeah we'll help you', except for me, when I find out. I was more interested in... well... having you locked up or something. I mean, not that I think you're a monster or anything but well... just didn't want you to hurt anyone else, and figured that would be the safer option..."
Zac looked uncomfortable.
Taylor
Taylor hesitated, then glanced down at the book before looking away.
"Maybe," he said finally.
"At least I guess... you were a reminder that this wasn't going to be an easy thing to overcome. I didn't need it sugar-coated, because it's not."
Zac
"Well, I suppose. But I could have been more supportive," Zac replied. "Still... it doesn't really answer the first part, does it? The squandering part. I guess... it must be you... but you were taken, and the son chose to go."
Taylor
"Well in case you're wondering, no I did not want to go," Taylor couldn't help but chuckle.
Then he hesitated as something suddenly occured to him.
"I did... almost want revenge though," he began softly, "and maybe I took it out on the wrong people. Innocent people. With the pented up anger that he gave me I let it out on... on Kathryn. And Ewan."
He gulped.
Zac
"And that's not even dating back to that Ronnie kid you said you killed," Zac said.
Then paused.
"Tay... do you suppose... when the son was squandering his inheritance, he would have been enjoying himself, right? But it was inevitable the moment that he chose to go down that track that he'd end up in trouble?"
Zac didn't know if he dared suggest that the decision started at Ronnie...
Taylor
"But it was an accident!" Taylor insisted, not even sure how much of the incident his brothers knew about.
"I mean sure I never told anyone and... I know that was wrong. But I didn't because I was too scared to come forward. So scared that I eventually forgot I even had that power."
He bit into his fist for a moment, the memory obviously upsetting.
Zac
Zac looked startled.
"Well, I didn't know that," Zac said. "I only know what you told me - that you killed him. Heck, I was 2 when he died, Tay, I don't even remember the guy. It was just a thought..."
Zac looked uncomfortable.
Taylor
Taylor hesitated in silence for a moment.
"Sorry," he said finally.
"I just... obviously, never wanted to think about it again. And I still know it's wrong. Eventually the guilt will probably all surface and I'll hunt down his parents just to apologise or something."
Zac
"Yeah, I'm sure that'll work," Zac said. " 'Uhh, hi, I was friends with Ronnie. Anyway, I just wanted to apologise for killing him. I was five at the time. It was an accident I swear! And I'm really sorry... How? Oh well, I'm an alien'."
Zac paused briefly.
"No, I'm sorry," he said. "I shouldn't joke about it."
Taylor
Taylor couldn't help but smile.
"You have a point," he shrugged, "of course I don't need to tell them how it happened, just that it did..."
He shook his head.
"It's too late."
Zac
"You could always try the anonymous phone call routine 'Hi, I'm just calling to apologise for killing your son sixteen years ago. Who am I? Uhh... I have to hang up now'. Okay, sorry again. I have to stop joking around at inappropriate moments," Zac said ruefully.
Taylor
"And knowing my luck, they'd have Caller I.D.," Taylor shrugged.
"Lose/lose situation. I should be used to those."
Zac
"Payphone!" Zac beamed. "Okay, albeit with cell phone these days they're a bit in short supply, but whatever."
Taylor
"They could still get a location. And then there's satellite spy cams," Taylor said thoughtfully, looking to the celing.
He hesitated then smiled at Zac.
"My that went way off topic."
Zac
Zac chuckled.
"Yeah, a bit," he said. "But where else can we do with this? I mean, if we say that the inheritance was life, and you squandered yours by killing Ronnie, and although life was fine for awhile, eventually you ended up serving pigs as it were. And then, when you hit the bottom, you came back and everyone but me accepted back the son who was lost, but is now found. So to speak."
Taylor
"So in essence... I've done wrong, you've recognised it, and now... everyone's trying to get us to reconcile - especially Ike and Tanya, even."
Taylor rubbed his chin, thoughtfully.
"The difference in essence being that ours is more of a two-way situation. If it was only your side... well if that was the only problem I wouldn't be here. That was probably the wrong way to put that. You wouldn't let me be here if you were truly that worried, in other words. I wouldn't have come if I didn't think there was hope. But more of the unforgiving is coming from my side of the fence."
Zac
"Well," Zac said. "I have been acting like a complete jerk. And the idea that you might hurt one of my kids... okay that prospect still terrifies me. But you're my brother and..."
He shook his head.
"I'm so confused."
Taylor
"I don't think this is only about what I've done," Taylor shook his head.
"It has to work both ways."
Zac
Zac snorted.
"Yeah... the story probaly works both ways... let me see... Life is also the inheritance, but instead of taking it, I insist on sleeping around and thereby always giving it. Of course, this just results in everyone getting annoyed with my producing all these kids. And of course, Faith left me because of it..." he trailed off.
Taylor
"That's not what I'm talking about, and you know it," Taylor almost scowled.
"That's purely a matter of annoyance and despair. Not betrayal."
Zac
Zac had the grace to flush.
"Sorry," he said. "I was getting to Mouse, I swear. I'm sure you get distracted thinking about Mouse leaving, just like I get distracted about thinking about Faith leaving. Although Faith and I are more or less friends now, and well... Mouse is dead, so you have even more of a reason to get distracted than I do... and I'm babbling. Sorry."
Taylor
Taylor hesitated, then took a deep breath.
"It happened," he said eventually.
"Whether or not I like or can even live with it, it happened. There's nothing anyone can do that's going to change it."
Zac
"Yeah..."
Zac chewed his bottom lip for a moment.
"And no amount of apologising is ever going to change that fact that I... I slept with her. But I am sorry. Like there isn't enough bad ground between us."
Taylor
"I have to admit though, sometimes..." Taylor sighed.
"Sometimes I forget. Normally during band practise. I look back and hate myself for it, but also for liking the fact that I did if that makes sense."
He shook his head and shrugged.
"Again, it's complicated. I lay awake every night thinking about everything and I still can't make sense of it."
Zac
"Yeah... it's easy to forget we're at odds when we're playing," Zac agreed. "I guess because we've been friends for so long, it's easier to fall into that old routine than it is to keep fighting."
Taylor
"Yeah... it is," Taylor agreed with a nod.
"And the music helps."
Zac
"Yeah..." Zac trailed off, not really knowing what else to say.
There was silence for a time.
Taylor
"Sometimes..." Taylor began softly, then hesitated as he looked up at the wall.
"Sometimes... I wish I could show people. What it was like. To be looked at not as a peer, but as a creature on hind legs."
He looked confused for a moment, before shaking his head.
"It's something I know no one can understand."
Zac
Zac looked confused.
"Like an animal in the zoo or something?"
Taylor
"It's different," Taylor shook his head.
"The animals in zoos know they're safe. Most were born encaged to begin with. They don't get directly threatened or interrogated."
He gulped, seeming to get his thoughts together.
"Zac... I'll make you a one time offer. If you don't take it, I'll by all means understand, but this isn't going to anyone else."
Zac
Zac chewed his bottom lip for a moment. This conversation sure turned out interesting. He felt he should see it through to the end (no matter how weird it turned).
"Okay," he said slowly.
Taylor
Taylor lowered his head, not able to look his brother in the eyes.
"I'm willing to tell you exactly what happened," he brushed over quickly.
"Even let you see through Tanya. You don't have to go that far, I'm not out to hurt you, but... obviously I've never told anyone and I was never planning to."
He bit his lip and waited for a response.
Zac
Zac frowned.
"I don't entirely understand," he said. "But I... I'm willing."
Taylor
"Really?" Taylor's eyes lit up as he looked at him.
"I mean, it would mean a lot. And it might help you understand some things. But always remember if you don't want me to... I won't."
He hesitated, thinking it over.
"We should organise a time. If you're still willing."
Zac
"Yeah, sure," Zac nodded. "Uhh... what exactly is it going to involve?"
He was suddenly both nervous and excited about the prospect. Nervous because Taylor seemed to make it sound ominous, but excited because it was obviously an avenue to their repairing their relationship.
And he hated that there was a rift between them.
Taylor
"Storytelling," Taylor shrugged.
"For now. But not tonight, I feel guilty enough for waking you up as it is."
Zac
"Okay, cool," Zac said. "I was starting to think it was more complicated than that. And don't feel guilty for waking me up. You needed help, and I'm happy to give it."
Taylor
"Thanks... as I said it means a lot."
Taylor got up from the bed, then glanced at his watch.
"I'd better let you get whatever sleep you can," he shrugged.
"See you in the morning?"
Zac
"Sure," Zac said.
He stood as well.
"Have a good night Tay."
Taylor
"You too, Zac," Taylor said softly, before leaving the room.
He closed the door behind him and headed back to his room mulling over what he'd just done.