This time, when Taylor awoke in the middle of the night, he knew exactly what he needed to do. And without any argument with his subconscious (it would all be fine, right? No one would find out anyway...) he slipped out of bed and made his way to the bathroom.
Leaving the door only a tiny crack ajar, he turned the light on and flinched at the brightness. Then he went to the cupboard and retrieved the scissors once again, before laying them on the counter and pulling his shirt over his head.
He removed a couple of old bandages from his chest and traced his fingers over the scars. They were in the perfect place - no one would think to look there after all.
He picked up the scissors and changed them once again into the long blade he preferred. He used it to lift a couple of the old scars - only one of them starting to bleed. As it wasn't much, he ignored it, before preparing to go on with what he usually did.
Zac
With a sigh of relief, Zac put Dee Dee back in her crib. She had been getting her first tooth that evening, and he had been beginning to think he'd never get to sleep. But a pretty little white tooth was now proudly showing in her gums and the tired baby was now ready to sleep.
Zac stretched, and then started walking back to his room, when he noticed the bathroom door was open and the door ajar. Thinking someone must have accidently left the light on, he widened the door to slip his hand in and turn the light off.
He stopped short and stared at the sight before him, eyes wide with horror.
"Taylor?"
Taylor
Taylor's head shot up, his eyes widening in shock.
The knife was sent clattering into the sink, his hand soon following it to stop the noise.
Not knowing what to say, his face started going red.
Zac
Zac stared for a moment, barely noticing that he stepped completely into the bathroom.
"Taylor... what... what... why are you..." he trailed off, feeling like he must be dreaming (or alternatively, nightmaring).
Taylor
Taylor shook his head, not able to look his brother in the eyes.
After a long moment of silence, he leant on the basin and hung his head.
"I had to," his voice croaked.
Zac
Zac tried to digest this.
"What do you mean you had to?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper. "Haven't you gone through enough pain? Wasn't what Blakesley did you enough? Do you have some sort of sadomasochistic thing going that we don't know about?"
His voice became all the more emotional with every word.
Taylor
"I need this Zac," Taylor's voice rose a little.
"It's not over. Not by a long shot. I can't just..."
He shook his head, not knowing how to explain himself.
Zac
"How can you need this?" Zac demanded, obvious distress in his voice. "How can you do this to yourself? What can you possibly get out of self mutilation Taylor? Do you want to die?"
Taylor
"Sometimes," Taylor admitted softly.
"But this won't kill me. This..."
He gestured to the scars on his chest.
"...It just gives me a sense of... you know... it's like the one sense of normality I have left."
He shook his head again, realising that when he said it out loud it sounded more than wrong.
Zac
"Normality!" Zac exclaimed. "What the hell is normal about cutting yourself?"
This was wrong. Beyond wrong. His brother was turning into someone he just didn't know. And it could all be traced back to Blakesley. That was when it all started going downhill, he was sure.
Taylor
"It's what's been drilled into my head, alright?!" Taylor attempted to keep his voice down.
He finally stood up properly.
"And don't you dare even hint at this to Isaac," he said in a soft yet warning tone.
Zac
"As if I'd put him under any more strain," Zac retorted hotly. "Damn it, Tay..."
He rubbed his face with his hand and slumped against the wall.
"Please don't jump down my throat... but have you considered councelling? They can help people like... people who do this..."
Taylor
Taylor froze, almost like a deer in headlights.
"I don't want to relive that anymore than you would want to go through it," he scorned.
Zac
"I'm not asking you to relive it," Zac replied. "I'm asking you to stop reliving it."
He looked pointedly at the scars and blood on his chest.
Taylor
Taylor looked down, then put his hand over them.
"I just need to feel the pain once in a while," he admitted, his eyes welling up a little.
"I can't just... step out of one world into the other, and have everything be fine. My mind just can't handle it."
Zac
"Ahhh..." Zac breathed. "Now I understand. Okay, it's not quite the same thing, but ahh, well, we all know I'm a bit of a sex addict."
He had the decentcy to look bashful.
"I think... I dunno... I think I'm finally starting to get over it," he went on. "Well, there are a few unaviodable factors, like having no time to meet women. Not wanting to sleep with the one woman in this house who wants to - or at least not any more. And I think, in a way, the kids are something in themselves to... I dunno. I can't say disude... maybe just distract... I dunno. What I'm trying to say is... you know what I was like. Every time I got even midly depressed I'd find some girl to sleep with, y'know? And even when I was trying to... to get out of the habit... easier said than done, y'know?"
Taylor
"Yeah... I guess, sort of..." Taylor frowned.
"I guess I'm just not lucky enough to have a 24/7 distraction. At least not anymore."
Zac
"What kind of distraction do you think you need?" Zac asked.
There was absolutely no way whatsoever he was going to let Taylor continue to hurt himself.
Taylor
Taylor hesitated again with a frown.
"I don't know," he admitted, not willing to say out loud what he already had in mind.
"I feel trapped enough already."
Zac
Zac chewed his lip briefly, wondering what would be the best way to handle this.
"Okay... how do you feel trapped? Like, what are you trapped by?"
Taylor
Taylor closed his eyes.
"I've never always had to be watched over," he said finally.
"I mean when we were growing up, it was always great to have you guys around. I was never lonely or anything. Now... I just don't even have that chance to be lonely if I wanted to. And even though I've probably become someone you don't think you can ever relate to again I haven't changed inside - I still hate being the centre of attention, as I always have."
He shook his head.
"And now everyone has their eyes on me in case I do something stupid. I can't even walk out the door without Tad on my tail."
Zac
"Oh. Well, that makes sense," Zac replied. "You can't call your bedroom your alone time room? Well, I suppose it's not really like your own room at home..."
Taylor
"And that's all gone," Taylor shrugged hopelessly.
"Nothing's ever going to be like it was. I just wish I could be like... like... you, and settle down."
He ran his fingers through his hair almost nervously.
"And I was so close to it too."
Zac
Zac snorted.
"You don't want to be like me," he said. "I don't see most of my kids, and the kids I do see never see their mothers. Faith divorced me before we were even married for a month. And Sari-Lyka... that Adigeian woman I'm married to barely speaks to me. It's almost like I'm not married at all - so thank goodness for that Adigian law that's all for pollygomy."
Zac shook his head again.
"Besides," he went on ruefully, "I was the one who screwed up everything you had with Mouse, remember?"
Taylor
"Yeah well I'd much rather be the cause of that than face the brunt of it," Taylor scowled.
"And at least you have the chance to sit back and take it all in. To realise what's going on around you. And you actually have the ability to do something about it. I don't have that choice."
Zac
"Yeah..." Zac said slowly, "been on both ends... cause is much better than effect. But still, I feel terrible."
He was quiet for a moment.
"See? In some ways I'd rather be like you... I'm a horrible person by choice. There must be some consolation in being able to say 'well, maybe I'm a horrible person, but it's not my fault!' "
Taylor
"I don't use it as an excuse," Taylor scowled.
"And at least you're still in control of your power," he went on, standing up again.
"Rather than having a power that consumes you and that you can't control at all suddenly deciding it's had enough."
Zac
"I didn't mean it like an excuse, and I didn't mean that you were... oh forget it," Zac replied. "And is it actually your power? I thought it was just some pchitzophrenic thing like even humans get."
Still leaning against the wall, Zac straighted up.
Taylor
"No, this is a separate thing altogether," Taylor shook his head.
"When I go into my alterego, my power struggles to keep control of my body. When I pass out, that's when it just can't take it anymore. You must have noticed that I'm having trouble understanding everyday things now - that shouldn't happen! I shouldn't have to stop and think about what someone has just said to make sense of it, that's not how Tongue is supposed to work."
He hesitated and put his hand on his forehead.
"Being without my power is more frightening than anything Master Blakesley could ever pull off. I've been so reliant on it my entire life, and if it fails me now..." he shook his head again, "I don't know. I'll probably have to go to kindergarten or something to start learning basic English."
Zac
Zac gave a low whistle.
"I had no idea it was so bad..." he whispered, his voice trailing off a bit as he mentally berated himself for not being more aware. "What... what about what Tad does?"
Taylor
"Well he's making it worse, isn't he?" Taylor dropped his hand.
"Whenever I get aggravated that's when this sort of... cloud, materialises in my head, and it's suddenly hard to make sense of anything. Inevitably it makes it easier for the alterego to take over."
He shrugged.
"But it's a dead end. There's nothing anyone can do to stop that."
Zac
Zac was very still for a moment.
"Ahh... I wasn't going to tell you, but ahh, I kinda... I had a thought the other day when you had another attack, kinda along those lines... What, what if the best way to be rid of your alterego is to... to let it run its course?" Zac gulped and hurried on quickly. "I mean, that's the one thing that everyone has been trying to prevent, y'know in case you... you kill more people. And no one has any real ideas on how to help - long term that is - and you just said it's getting worse. And Tad's not really helping... not long term anyway."
Zac chewed his lip uncertainly.
Taylor
Taylor frowned, and slowly backed off a little.
"You... want me to hurt people?" he shook his head incredulously.
"Because that's what's going to happen."
Zac
"Yes - no! No, I don't want you to hurt anyone! That's the last thing that I want you to do, believe me. I absolutely hate, hate, hate this idea, but the more I think about it the more..." Zac's shoulders shook. "I don't know. It popped into my head, and everywhere I look things seem to fit in with it. I... I wasn't going to mention it to you at all, but then you started talking about how your power was involved and now..."
Zac gave Taylor a disparing look.
"I... I did mention it to Isaac... and Tad overheard... he said he would mention it to Tanya, but... yeah... I don't know. I wish Tad hadn't overheard... but if Ike had thought the idea had any merit I... Damn, I wish I hadn't mentioned it to him at all! But he was there when the thought occured to me... I should have just contacted Tanya straight away and saw what she thought!"
Taylor
"Tad has anything but our best interests at heart, so it would be a lot easier to leave him out of any of this kind of discussion," Taylor insisted.
Then he hesitated again.
"I don't see how this could work. But I get what you mean if it ran its course it might work itself out. But I really don't see how we could get away with it without anyone getting... you know. In the way."
Zac
"I didn't know that Tad was anywhere near here, let alone that he was going to arrive at that very minute," Zac muttered, before raising his voice to a conversational level. "Well, yeah, I don't know how the mechanics would work either. Hence wanting to speak to Tanya. She has access to resources that we don't."
Taylor
Taylor hesitated again.
"True," he said finally, then scratched his head as he eyed off the blade in the sink.
"So... you want to call her in the morning?"
Zac
"Yeah, I think I'll do that," Zac nodded. "But tonight, I am going to make sure you don't cut yourself any more."
He stepped towards the sink to fish out the blade.
"Sorry, Tay," he said, "but I can't let you take it."
Taylor
Taylor scowled again.
"I made that," he said, as if that meant anything.
"If you want your scissors back I'll have to change it."
Zac
Zac frowned.
"Tay... I'm not letting you cut yourself," he said firmly.
He turned on the tap, carefully picked up the blade and washed it off before setting it aside.
"Now, why don't you wash the blood off? That way it won't make the bandages stick. And then we can go to bed," Zac said stifling a yawn. "I've already been up half the night with Dee Dee - she got her first tooth tonight."
Even the current situation couldn't stop that smile from filling his face. He was so pleased with his baby girl.
Taylor
Taylor smiled a little, before taking a nearby washcloth and cleaning himself off.
"She's beautiful," he said suddenly.
Zac
"Yeah, she is," Zac agreed cheerfully. "I think I'm going to end guilty of favourtism. I mean, she's the only one of my kids I'm getting to raise from birth, y'know? It's kinda special, 'cause I'm going to teach her to walk and talk and use the potty and stuff. And I guess it's sounds weird to actually look forward to that stuff, but I do."
Taylor
"It doesn't sound weird," Taylor murmured, running the washcloth under water to make sure it didn't stain.
"She's going to be a very promising musician if she pursues that path."
Zac
Zac blinked and looked at Taylor curiously.
"What makes you say that?" he asked.
Taylor
Taylor smiled to himself, but held back a chuckle as he turned the tap off.
"Babies may not understand adult languages, but that doesn't mean they don't have their own. You recognise certain sounds mean certain things... she's hungry, needs a diaper change... They're only words she's made up herself to get across what she needs. In essence, it's a whole new language. And having Tongue, I know that."
He put the cloth down and began replacing the bandages on his chest.
"And let me just say that not knowing anyone else's language by no means limits your creativity."
Zac
"Huh," Zac said. "Well that's... no, I can't really say it's surprising, but it's... it's something all right."
He shook his head in amazement.
"What kind of things does she say?"
Taylor
"It's... kind of hard to translate into English, but she mainly sings of the beauty of the world and a particular feeling she has that I can only guess as love for the people around her," Tyalor frowned a little.
"It's complicated."
Zac
Zac nodded, considering this.
"Yeah... I guess it would be."
He started to wonder what meaning her crying meant when her tooth was coming, and didn't realise he said his musing aloud.
Taylor
"'It hurts, where's my Daddy?' and while you were with her, 'please make it stop'," Taylor offered without looking up.
Zac
Zac's eyebrows went up, and he chewed his bottom lip.
"Yeah... I guess... teething sucks on all levels... Great, now when she gets her next teeth I'm going to feel bad because... because it's something that I can't stop, and even if I could I wouldn't because she needs her teeth and..." he trailed off.
Taylor
"I'm working on it," Taylor insisted.
"I was planning to try and explain it to her tomorrow morning."
Zac
"Oh, really?" Zac asked, giving Taylor a happy look. "Thanks. Thanks heaps! I hate the idea of her being unhappy. I mean obviously, parenting will involve her not being happy with some decisions, but... y'know... that part comes later."
Then it occured to him that this ability to understand Dee Dee may be why Taylor liked spending so much time with her.
Taylor
"I hate the thought of her being unhappy as well," Taylor shrugged, starting to put everything away.
"And if I can do something it's not as if I wouldn't. Who's her mother if you don't mind me asking?"
Zac
"Oh, Dee Dee is Desiree's kid," Zac replied. "She was a mutant. She ahh... wasn't interested in being a mother at all, so yeah... pretty much gave me the choice of what would happen to her. I haven't heard from her since Dee Dee was born, so I have no idea what she's doing these days."
Taylor
"Is she hot?" Taylor asked nonchalantly.
Zac
"Uhh, yeah she was..." Zac said curiously. "Why all the questions?"
Taylor
Taylor chuckled to himself.
"Just thinking about Dee's future, that's all."
Zac
"Ahh," Zac nodded thoughtfully.
Anything more Zac would have said was swallowed up by a yawn.
"I have been up way too late," he said, when it passed, but he was reluctant to leave Taylor right now.
Taylor
"Well next time Dee Dee starts crying in the middle of the night, don't worry about it. She wakes me up anyway."
Taylor then sighed as he closed the cabinet door and leant one hand on the basin.
"So are we going to bed, or do you need me to sleep in your room so you can keep your eye on me?" his eyebrows rose, but his eyes narrowed.
Zac
"Ahh... no," Zac said. "Besides, I'm that tired, even if you did sleep in my room, you could get away with just about anything."
He stepped out of the door and into the hallway.
"And Tay? I'm... I'm glad that you're looking out of Dee Dee too. I mean... I admit I was a little... paranoid before, which you spending so much time with her. But now I..." Zac shrugged. "Good night Tay."
Taylor
Taylor watched his brother leave, before looking back regretfully at the basin and switching off the light.
Then he made his way back to bed.