Natalia
Natalia stared at the mirror, purple eyes gazing back into her own. The thick black leather collar sat on her neck, securely, holding her down tight. Anchoring her to this world. Carefully, she raised her slim hands to her neck, the wrists encircled with their own bands of black, and slowly, slowly, took it off. Then she picked up the knife. She rested the tip of the blade against her throat, breathing shallowly. What she needed, what she wanted was for someone to take the knife from her, take the responsibility for punishing her onto themselves. But in lack of any better options...
The knife pricked her skin, a small droplet of blood rising to meet the hungry edge of the blade. Red slid onto the silvery gleaming edge. A snippet of 'Titus Andronicus' flickered through her mind...
I'll find a day to massacre them all
And raze their faction and their family,
The cruel father and his traitorous sons,
To whom I sued for my dear son's life,
And make them know what 'tis to let a queen
Kneel in the streets and beg for grace in vain...
Tamara's aside to Saturninus, in the very first scene. Death being given onto her, all she wants is to give it back. Begging.
Why could she see herself reflected in all the victims everywhere? Did she have a sign that said hurt me, make me bleed, use me as you will because you know I'll like it? There was something about being tied up that made her feel safe.
Why makest thou it so strange?
She is a woman, therefore may be woo'd;
She is a woman, therefore may be won;
She is Lavinia, therefore must be loved.
What, man! more water glideth by the mill
Than wots the miller of; and easy it is
Of a cut loaf to steal a shive, we know:
Though Bassianus be the emperor's brother.
Better than he have worn Vulcan's badge.
Was it was because she was a girl? Did something about her call all the men who lived in cruelty and were as savage as the wolf into her world? Chiron claimed love for Lavinia in this scene. As does Demetrius. Yet later they murder her husband, rape her and cut off her hands and tongue.
Natalia shivered, the tip of the knife drawing pattens over her throat, carefully keeping within the bounds of the collar. They wouldn't be seen that way. The pain inside her overwhelmed the pain outside, and though she longed to take that final slice, she couldn't. She hadn't been given permission to die. And until then...
A memory flashed before her eyes.
Tom laughing in the sunlight as they walked hand in hand down the street. Her parents didn't approve, because his parents were Japanese. But she loved him, and it didn't matter. The looks they got were nothing when she was in his arms, brownblack eyes sparkling with their own humour. He'd read Shakespeare to her, sonnets, love poetry. They were destined to be together, he'd joked. Ever since they'd tried to borrow the same book from the library - 'The Tempest'. Again by Shakespeare. He'd watched her dance recitals, clapping and rising to his feet as she danced Odette, the wings of the swan lifting her upwards and a crown on her head.
And then the world had come crashing down around their ears.
She fumbling took her cuffs off, and rolled her sleeves up. The pain inside was drowning her as the blood dripped from the cuts on her neck onto her black top. Mouse had wondered why she wore black. Because it hid the blood. And she always showered so carefully, so the dogs wouldn't smell her. Strong scents of violets befuddling their noses.
This is the day of doom for Bassianus:
His Philomel must lose her tongue to-day,
Thy sons make pillage of her chastity
And wash their hands in Bassianus' blood.
A nick, one, two, three. A triangle cut, and then Natalia gritted her teeth as she peeled the skin backwards. The blood oozed forth, dripping into the white porcelian sink. It looked like roses as it fell into the droplets of water, muddying them into pink.
Sitting in the park, his head pillowed on her lap as violets bloomed
around them, and he read. "Come unto these yellow sands,
And then take hands:
Curtsied when you have, and kiss'd,--
The wild waves whist,--
Foot it featly here and there;
And, sweet sprites, the burden bear.
Hark, hark!"
The Tempest again. Ariel's song.
And then darkness came over both of them.
Waking in the cold clinical cells had only been the beginning of their nightmare. His had ended, 6 months into it, and hers still continued.
Natalia started to cry silently, even as she cut herself. She'd been so bad. So very bad. They didn't understand.
The first time...
It had hurt so bad. Screaming and screaming and screaming as she was brutally raped. Tom yelling for them to leave her alone, get off her, he was going to kill them, get away from her! And then his own agonized cries began as he was thrown onto the floor. She'd started to break then, she felt it. He wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for her! He'd been human!
Taylor had no idea how lucky he was. He'd come out with not a scar, hardly a memory. He'd been on the doctor's only list, and Blakesley wasn't interested in rape. He had absolutely no idea how lucky he was. None at all. Sometimes the words boiled at the tip of her tongue, but she was mute. Silenced.
Natalia redid the collars and cuffs over the bleeding wounds she'd inflicted on herself and left the bathroom. She needed to get changed.