Natalia
Natalia sat on the floor, and fidgeted with the links on her cuffs. She was so lost with what was going on. She didn't understand what they wanted from her. Oh god, she was so scared of being wrong. Her shoulders twitched with remembered pain. She sighed and recrossed her legs before staring emptily out into space again. Her face was a mask, and it reflected what others wanted to see. It was who she was. She couldn't remember enough yet to be anything else, but it seemed to upset the Hansons. A muffled sob rose to her lips. She was trying, she really was! She rubbed a hand fiercely across her face, trying to banish the tears. They came harder then ever and she rocked back and forth slightly, weeping with confusion and fright. At least she had known what the Masters wanted. She'd known what to do. She didn't know anymore! She just didn't know!
Taylor
Taylor heard crying from where he was in the rec room.
He hesitated his piano playing, and listened. Yep, someone crying.
He quietly closed the piano, grabbed his jacket from the nearby desk, and left the room in search.
It wasn't long before he came across Natalia. He hesitated.
"Ah... hey," he began softly.
Natalia
Natalia cried harder into her hands. "I don't know! I don't know anymore! It's all broken into pieces and the orders don't make sense!" She scratched at her palms, long nails raising bloody welts as her shoulders shook with sobs. "Ohohoh, I'm bad! I can't, I don't know, oh, I don't know!"
Taylor
"Hey, hey," Taylor frowned, making his way over.
He dropped the jacket on the floor nearby, and sat down next to her.
"It's ok," he said softly, not knowing if she should put his arm around her or not.
She was... weird. She didn't seem to take to the normal signs of comforting.
He moved some hair out of her face.
"You're not bad," he said softly, "definately not. And I don't think you ever have been. You're not the one who's screwed, it's the guys who did this to you."
Natalia
"So wrong, so bad..." Natalia whimpered. With a quick descive movement, she raked her fingernails down the inside of her arm. Bright droplets of blood seeped to the surface of the scratches. "I can't, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm lost, oh, I'm so lost..."
Taylor
"No, it's not wrong," Taylor insisted, a little firmer than he would have liked.
Then he saw what she'd done.
"No!" he exclaimed, suddenly taking her wrist and pulling her hand from her other arm, "Natalia, no! Don't do that to yourself! Please!"
Natalia
Natalia's lip quivered as she stared at him. She'd done something wrong! Natalia bent to place her forehead on the floor. "Sorrysorrysorrysorrysorry..." she chanted over and over between sobs as she grovelled for forgiveness.
Taylor
"No, Natalia, no..." Taylor shook his head, his voice firm but soft.
He knelt in front of her for a moment, not knowing what to do. Finally, he carefully reached his hands out to her shoulders and pulled her up.
"You don't have to do that anymore," he said desperately, "do you see anything that... I hope, I mean."
He hesitated, trying to get his words straight.
"We don't look like 'Masters' to you, do we? I hope we don't. Because we don't want to be. None of us."
Natalia
"God, I'm so broken. I don't, I can't, I don't know anymore!" Natalia cried out. "I don't know who I am..."
Taylor
"You're Natalia," Taylor said softly.
He tilted his head to the side a little, and used a thumb to wipe the tears from the side of her face.
"You're a beautiful girl, caught up in a horrible part of the world. But things will look up. Think about it."
He shifted a little so he wasn't sitting on his legs.
"Remember back to the beginning. Before you were taken in. What were you fighting for? Why did you want to live?"
Natalia
Natalia closed her eyes to try and remember, picking her way through deliberately tangled and dulled memories. "I wanted to escape. Wanted to get out with Tom...but he died." She started to rock back and forth. "Died...he hurt and hurt and hurt...coughing so hard. Blood...everywhere. I died too after that. Didn't want to *be* anymore. I broke...into pieces. Like a mirror and it can't ever, ever be put back together right!"
Taylor
Taylor drew some more hair from her face and tucked it behind her ear.
"And no one will ever replace... Tom. He'll always have that special place in your heart," Taylor insisted, "but eventually, you'll overlook that. You'll find someone else who's right for you."
He bit his lip, trying to think of something else to say.
"Tom hurt for you, because he didn't want you to end up the way you are now," he looked up again, placing a hand under her chin and making her look into his eyes.
"Therefore... you want to change that, right? And everyone here, especially I, am willing to help you do that."
Natalia
Natalia moved her head slightly to lay her face against his palm. She sighed. "I don't think I can be fixed. Lost, lost inside my own head and the pieces don't go together right. Nothing fits anymore. No Masters. I don't know what I'm meant to do. Can't remember...I know I should know, but it's flown out of reach like butterflies."
Taylor
"But you're going to try, right?" Taylor ducked his head, raising his eyebrows.
He moved his hand, running his fingers through her hair. He turned around and backed against the wall to side beside her again.
"We're going to help you out. I don't care how hard it gets. We'll get you back into society. Set you up with your own place, maybe even a job, a boyfriend," he smiled slightly, "I know it all sounds a bit much, but in the end you'll be thankful."
He shifted a little, pulling his harmonica from his pocket and beginning to fiddle with it.
"You'll remember eventually," he sighed, looking away, "minds heal slower than bodies."
He gave a silent chuckle as he remembered Mouse saying the same thing.
Natalia
Natalia blinked slowly, then sighed raggedly, wiping a hand across her eyes. "I can't handle outside. It's all too big. Everything...echoes. Here." She wished almost miserably that she could go back to the labs. At least she understood the labs. "I just don't understand..." She relaxed into the feel of his fingers running through her hair. Nice. Comforting. And he didn't seem to want anything in return. Which was...vaguely unsettling.
Taylor
Taylor hesitated, glancing at the nearby doorway.
He looked down at the harmonica, then leant back into the wall shifting down slightly.
"And we all come
Tumbling down
No matter how strong
We all return to the ground
Another day gone
A day closer to fate
And soon we'll find it's a little bit too late
Too late..." he sang.
He glanced at Natalia, then continued.
"The things you see the way you see them
Will never been seen again
Let's go through life living on luck
Betting ten thousand to ten
Yeah
Mistakes I've made in this life
I can't say why or when
But the thing that's strange is you only live once
I'm never looking back again."
Natalia
"Hmmm...nice." Natalia closed her eyes as she listened to Taylor sing. "I missed music most when I was there. Missed it so bad. Used to be whipped for singing. Humming even. Master Blakesley used to say my screams sounded like music..."
Taylor
"You can't not sing in this household," Taylor smiled slightly.
He wondered who this 'Blakesley' person was, but decided it was probably better that he didn't know. If she thought that about him.
"I'm sure you could make a lot better music."
He shifted slightly, throwing the harmonica up and catching it again.
"Would you sing for me?"
Natalia
"Hmm, 'kay." Natalia thought for a moment, sitting up to draw air through into her diagphram. She'd been trained to sing once...half remembered memories of lessons and laughter chased through her mind. 'Once more, Natalia...do re me fa so la di do...'
"Make me feel like a beggar
Make me feel like a thief
Make me feel like a battle, that cannot end in peace
Make me feel like running, as if I've lost my nerve
Make me feel like crying, tears I don't deserve
Please bleed
So I know that you are real
So I know that you can feel
The damage that you've done
Who have I become
To myself I am numb, I am numb, I am numb
Is this really living
Sometimes it's hard to tell
Or is this a kind of gentler hell
Turn out the lights
And let me stare into your soul
I was born and bled for you old
Please bleed
So I know that you are real
So I know that you can feel
The damage that you've done
Who have I become
To myself I am numb, I am numb, I am numb
Never said thank you
Never said please
Never gave reason to believe
So as it stands I remain on my knees
Good lovers make great enemies
Please bleed
So I know that you are real
So I know that you can feel
The damage that you've done
Who have I become
To myself I am numb, I am numb, I am numb..." She sang in a husky
sorrowful voice, the notes clear and pure.
OOC: 'Please bleed' by Ben Harper.
Taylor
Taylor couldn't help but smile as he heard her voice.
"You have a great voice," he complimented, smiling as he looked up at her, "you could really do something with that, if you wanted. I mean heck, we have our record label now. We're going to be looking for artists soon."
He slowly reached his hand out, and began to rub her shoulder.
"But we won't push you into anything. If anything, it's up to you what you want to make of this life."
He drew his hand away, and sighed.
"I think we need something a little more upbeat," he fiddled with the harmonica again.
It was a bit late to play it at the moment, and there wasn't exactly anything exciting enough to use as an excuse for waking anyone up.
Natalia
"I always sang bluegrass and country. Not much cheerfulness, really." Natalia smiled slightly at him. "Somethings I guess you don't forget." She thought for a moment, nibbling her bottom lip, then started to sing again.
"Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found,
Was blind, but now can see.
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear,
And grace my Fears relieved;
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed!
Through many dangers, toils and snares,
I have already come;
'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.
And when we've been there ten thousand years,
Bright shining as the sun,
We'll have no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we first begun..."
She fidgeted slightly. "My Nan liked to hear me sing hymns. I remember that much..."
Taylor
"Well we started out singing hymns," Taylor chuckled, "and look where we are now. Rock band with our own record label."
He stopped for a moment to scratch his nose.
"If you wanted to go somewhere with that, we might even be able to find you a voice trainer. But that's just my opinion. I mean, for all I know you might not even like music that much."
Natalia
"I like to sing, but what I lived for was to dance." Natalia closed her eyes briefly. the warming glow of stage lights on her face and the nervousness in her stomach warm in her memory. She opened her eyes again. "Would you like to see?"
Taylor
"Ah, sure! But this probably isn't the right place."
He stood up and brushed himself off, before grabbing his jacket with his left hand and holding his right hand out to Nat.
"Let's go to the rec room. It's where we keep our instruments. It's pretty big, it has to be."
Natalia
"Yeah..." Natalia smiled nervously at him and took his hand to stand up. The fear that she would be hit again hung over her eyes like a bruise. Trust was not something she knew after two years of being brutalized repeatedly. Natalia followed Taylor to the rec room, then walked out into the middle. She remembered this...With a deep breath, Natalia sank into a graceful plie, then swung up on so she was enpointe. Or she would have been if she'd had point shoes. She grimaced slightly. "I need pointes." She moved into an arabesque, muscles protesting slightly as she archer her back, leaning back to hold her foot.
Taylor
Taylor nodded slightly, watching her.
"Guess you're a bit rusty after the ah... yeah. You'll get it back. We used to dance when we started out, but that was... bad. Very bad. Our sisters sometimes still do."
He gazed around the room, then went to fetch his acoustic guitar and brought it back to where he was sitting. Just the feel of it sitting on his knee comforted him.
Natalia
"Yeah...I danced Odette. Once." Natalia smiled wistfully as she continued to hold the pose before sinking back down into a plie. "I remember practicing for hours and hours until my toes bled from my pointe shoes. Had to go out and get stolen like a changeling. The swan got its wings clipped." She stretched her legs, working out the tightness. "Hours and hours and hours of practice and yelling and working, working...all wasted now. If you want to be proffessional, you need to always work out at it. I've had too much time with my wings bound and broken to fly the stage again..."
Taylor
"You'll get it back, if you try," Taylor said thoughtfully, his knee bouncing slightly.
He pursed his lips, trying to remember something, then strummed the first part of 'Penny & Me'.
"I really need to start practicing more," he chuckled, stopping the strings suddenly.
Natalia
"Broken is broken is broken..." Natalia sat down on the floor and held her knees to her chest. "I'm broken. Lost and broken..." She nodded to herself. "Did I do something wrong?" She inquired anxiously. "You just. I. If I do something wrong, please tell me. I don't know what's right, you see. It's all muddled in my head and it doesn't make sense."
Taylor
"If you do something wrong, you'll be the first to know," Taylor replied without looking at her.
"We'll correct you. We won't yell at you. We won't take you down."
He looked dreamy for a moment, then started singing again.
"It's getting colder, in this ditch where I lie
I'm feeling older, and I'm wondering why
I heard they told her, it was tell and live or die
I didn't know her, but I know why she lied
I didn't know her, but I know why she died
Yeah
You can't say I didn't give it
I won't wait another minute
We're on our way this time around
Whoa yeah
You can't say I didn't give it
I won't wait another minute
We're on our way this time around
Woah, yeah
And we won't go down
Yeah..."
Natalia
Natalia nodded silently, feeling oddly put in her place. "It'd be jsut so much easier if you were Masters...I know what to do then." She tilted her head slightly and sighed.
Taylor
"But we're not Masters. And we never will be," Taylor frowned slightly, but his voice was soft, "we don't want to order anyone around. Well you know, except the people who work for us. But we can't tell anyone how to live."
He strummed a few chords absently.
"No one can tell you how to live your own life. It's completely up to you. I can understand if the sudden freedom frightens you, but eventually... Soon you'll decide on something that you really adore. Like dance. And you'll want to make something of that. And you will. I have complete and utter faith in you. We all do."
Natalia
"I don't know...everything's too loud out here. Too large. Everything..." Natalia frowned slightly. "Everything is too bright. Too much to think about. It's all...shattered like mirrors, do you see? Too many bright sparkling pieces and I'm going to cut myself to ribbons picking them up and trying to put them back together. And even if I do, it won't be right ever again. It will still be shattered. And covered in blood..."
Taylor
"But that's now," Taylor shook his head, looking at her finally.
"A year from now, you don't know where you'll be. For all you know, you could be on a stage singing and, dancing your heart out," he smiled as he used his hands for emphasis, "for all you know, your life could really turn around. But I promise you that it won't happen overnight. It won't happen tomorrow, and probably not the next day. It's a slow process. But it happens."
Natalia
Natalia loked away from him and then hid her face in her folded arms. "Mmhmm." She didn't have any hope left, and these people made her so tired... One day, one day, one day... They didn't know. They didn't have *any* idea. It was *always* one more day. *Always*. ALWAYS! Just. One. More. Day. One more day...and I'll smile again without expecting a slap in the face. One more day and I'll stop expecting to be woken because some soldier decided I'd make his night less cold. She wondered how much it would hurt if she slit her wrists. Not as much a flogging she bet. Why do people shoot dogs to put them out of their misery, but not people? He didn't. Couldn't understand. He'd had his memories taken out so he didn't. "You don't understand anymore cos the lady wiped your soul clean as snow. Washed out the blood on your back and your body..." She scratched idly at her forearms, raising more welts. "God, I'm so dirty...black, black all over."
Taylor
Taylor saw what she'd done, but turned away.
"I wish I hadn't, but I must have had my reasons," he stated simply.
"But no matter what happened, I will refuse to watch you hurt yourself like that."
He put the guitar down and stood.
"You are a beautiful person, and you can... could really make something of yourself if you put your heart to it," he shook his head, "you don't deserve any of this, but you just don't realize that. And I don't know how I can help you if you won't even try to help yourself. No one can help you unless you try to help yourself. Until you see what you're doing to yourself."
He ran his fingers through his hair.
"This is too early to be talking in this much depth, even though I'm sure it's not deep at all."
He looked around the room again, then nodded to her.
"I'll see you in the morning."
And he left.
Natalia
Nat sighed brokenly, alone in the room. "I bled for you...they hurt me because of you and you don't even remember it so don't you dare say things like that to me." Tears slipped down her face. "You don't, you didn't...they washed you clean. I can't ever be washed clean. This is who I am, this is who I have been for over a year. Don't tell me what you think about this because you know nothing. Less then nothing. I deserve everything I get..." She stared out for a few more moments, relishing at least what she had always done. Talking to herself because no one was there to listen to her. "Tom. Died. For me. Because of me. He was *human*. You don't understand, and you never will. Because you had it wiped away. I can't *do that*." She got up and went to her bed, feeling a small spark of anger flare to life.