Gwen
Gwen said goodbye to Faith quickly. Neither of them were good with goodbyes so in the end, it had just been an awkward hug and some words of wisdom from Faith. And then Gwen was off.
She arrived in New York some hours later, having "borrowed" a helicopter and a pilot, which should've had her there quicker, she'd made them take detours. Deep down she knew, Faith was right, it was now or never, and while never sounded like a good idea, it wasn't the best thing for anyone.
Standing in front of the school she took a deep breath. "Now or never, Gwen."
Straightening her shoulders, she adjusted the long sleeves of Faith's shirt. She'd opted for long sleeves because while she could fool everyone that she was ok, the scars on her arms would betray her story. She took another deep breath and walked inside, heading straight for her room. Upon reaching it, she locked the door, still not wanting to talk to anyone.
Gwen sat on her bed, but knew it wasn't over. She had to go see Mordred. And if she didn't do it now, she was just gonna run again. Getting up, she opened the door and headed for Mordred's room. She knocked on the door lightly, then decided to just go in. Forcing the door open, she felt the sadness of the dank room consume her. She closed and locked the door behind her and went to sit by Mordred. Reaching a hand out, she gently touched his face.
"Mordred."
Mordred
Mordred sighed. He was fooling himself again, she wasn't coming back. "Ye no' real, ye know. I'm foolin' meself agin." He buried himself into his blankets and started to weep softly. "Ye're never comin' back, love. Why do I keep trying to pretend ye came back? Woulda died already but they locked me powers away and they're keeping other means from me. Why am I talkin' fer? Ye're no here." His voice was hoarse and broken. "Ye're too good fer me..."
Gwen
Gwen's heart was breaking. She saw what she was doing to him. Oh why the hell had she come back? Maybe it would've been easier for her to stay away. Her tears fell onto Mordred's face and she brushed them away gently, btu as fast as she brushed them away, they kept falling. Pointless.
"I'm here, I'm really here, baby. I'm so sorry."
Mordred
"Gwen? Ye're here fer real?" He sat up fast in bed, and then lay back down again, moaning. "Ye've got nuthing to be sorry FER. It was my fault. Don' leave me, please don'. I begged ya not to, and ye left me." He was so weak from not eating and he only drank when Vortigern forced the water down his throat. "I love you, please don' leave me. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, just tell me what I need to do so you don't leave again, I could'na bear it again." His feverish eyes fixed on her wet ones. "Ah, don' cry love. Please don' cry. I never could bear it when ya cry. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, so sorry, so sorry..."
Gwen
Gwen hugged Mordred tightly, hoping she wasn't hurting him. She sat up, still crying. She reached out and caressed the side of his face gently.
"I'm sorry I left. I thought... I thought it would be better if I was gone. And then... I'm sorry for hurting you. I love you."
She stood up from the bed and went to the window, gazing out at the people running and playing in the sun. She turned around again and watched Mordred lying in bed and wanted to die for hurting him. Visions of the past week without him, and what she'd become, flashed in her head, but she pushed them aside. That didn't matter. She was home. She moved back and sat on the bed with him, and held his hand.
Mordred
"They wouldn't let me come after ye. Goddamned professor put a block in my head so I can't use my teleportation. Either to find ye or to die. I've been tranked up most of it." Mordred held onto her hand. "I am so sorry, love. Why could you think it would be better with me gone? It would be better for you, sure. You don' need no wolf."
Gwen
"I thought... I thought you wouldn't want to see me again, so I ran. Because I hurt you. And I never wanted that. I'm sorry, for not coming back sooner, hell for even leaving in the first place."
Gwen eyes fell to the ground, unable to look at Mordred.
Mordred
"It was my fault," Mordred insisted. "My fault for picking a stupid fight. You have nothing to apologise for, although my brother wants your head on a platter." He chuckled weakly. "Look at me, love. Whatver you think you need forgivin' fer, I forgive you, even though I think you have no need. Please, look at me."
Gwen
"I deserve that. You should be angry at me. It doesn't matter if you are. I almost killed you Mordred, and then I left. Because I'm stupid, and worthless, and selfish, and, and, and..."
Gwen stopped talking, not trusting herself to keep going. Her self pity and hate was consuming her and she was falling into the darkness, just as Faith had said she would.
Mordred
"I'm not angry at you. I never could be. And you're beautiful, and accomplished and powerful...You tried to kill yourself. I didn't mind if I died as long as you lived. Knew you'd taken LISA off. Sparks clued me into that. I *love* you. Doesn't matter what you do, I'll wait. Just...love me back?"
Gwen
Gwen wasn't sure if she could explain what she felt. She didn't deserve his love, she wasn't even sure she deserved anyones love or care or support or anything. At this stage, she wasn't sure if she deserved to be alive. If only she'd succeeded on that long walk in the rain. Then the pain would be gone.
She dared to look at Mordred, and felt herself crumbling again.
"I love you... but I hurt you. And I don't... I don't know if I can forgive myself for that."
Mordred
Mordred sighed, and then did something he'd sworn he'd never do again. He opened his mind to her and drew her in through the skin to skin connection where they held hands. Let her feel his love and his sheer aching lonliness when she'd left him. Soothed away at the hurts she felt. And then he saw something that made him weep. "Aw, love, I ain't never worth that. Never. I'm just a dumb Welsh guy. Never worth that. Not worth your life. I'd die if it meant you were safe, but I ain't worth dying for."
Gwen
Gwen gazed into MOrdred's eyes and wordlessly rolled the sleeves of her shirt up. She pulled the bandages off them, her arms still bleeding from the fresh cuts she'd made on the trip over. Her arm was purple, cut to shreds, and full of tracks from the drugs and yet... painless at the moment. She saw something inside Mordred. Love. Something she didn't deserve.
She reached out and caressed his face with her right arm, her eyes still glued on the ugly mess that had once been her left arm. She couldn't speak, but instinctively, she knew that Mordred understood. Her death wish wasn't over... it was far from over. But it had dulled.
Mordred
"Sweet Jesus, Gwen..." He pulled her down into the bed. "Please don' do that again. Stay here. Stay with me. Let me love you, cos you deserve to be loved." He wrapped his arms around her. "Don' do that to yerself. Don't hurt yourself. Please."
Gwen
Gwen lay against Mordred, still not trusting herself to speak, but deciding to anyway.
"I love you."
She did't want to continue with her thoughts. The thoughts of death and despair which were threatening to consume her. It was too hard to pretend. But she would. For his sake.
Mordred
Mordred sighed deeply and held her closer for a moment. He could feel it rolling around her mind. "Don't try and lie to me, love. I can feel your hurt. I love you, and I don't like to see y' hurt. Please, don't. You're worth my love. I'm not worth yours, if anything."
Gwen
Gwen was crying again. Hell, she hadn't stopped since... since the last time she saw him. But now... being back with him, it wasn't right. he shouldn't forgive her, and he shouldn't talk to her like she was better than him. It wasn't right. It just wasn't right.
"You're worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. I'm sorry I didn't come sooner. I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry for everything."
They'd both gone too far. The angry words they'd screamed at each other, the way they'd dealt with the pain... if only Mordred hadn't stopped her from dying that night. Then none of this would be happening, and life would be continuing for him.
Mordred
Mordred closed his eyes. "Nothing to be sorry for. You're back, aint'cher? If you'd died...let's just say Gunn would be dead by now, and I most like would be as well."
Gwen
Gwen closed her eyes as well, remembering the feel of Mordred's body against hers. She sighed, unable to move, and a part of her not wanting to. But she knew that she should talk to Vortigern. If he wanted to kill her, let him do it.
Mordred
"He won't kill ya. He'll just yell at ya some. He's good at that. Make ya feel like a right idiot." Mordred shivered, slightly feverish. "But he won't. It's Spike you'll havta watch out for. Deathwish ain't healthy, Gwen. You don't deserve to die. I'm alright. Or I would've been if I hadn't sunk into this cos I'm a fool." Christ, he probably stunk to high heaven. He hadn't had a shower...since Vortigern yanked him out of bed and shoved him under a cold one a few days ago. Still hadn't shaved, though.
Gwen
Gwen nodded sullenly. Not believing what he was saying. Her wanting to die was ok. It was ok. It was the only thing that kept her going, in an ironic way. She was living to die.
She got off the bed and went to the door, unable to face him again.
"I should go see Bobby. He doesn't know... he doesn't know what happened. And I called him before... everything... I think..."
Mordred and Vortigern
"I know. Felt it. You're in my head now, love." Mordred tapped the side of his head with a finger. "You die, you'll take me with you." He didn't care if he had to guilt her into it. She'd live. He wouldn't let her die. "I won't let you do it to yourself, love. You think I was a bad lurker before? Nothing to what I'm gonna be now. Got me running scared, you do. Don't wanna lose you. Ever. To anything."
Vortigern felt his twin finally open up his mind and ran. "Wolf! Are you, I mean, I felt..." He saw Gwen and his eyes hardened.
Vort, don't!
You think I'm just gonna stand here and do nothing?!
No, you're gonna help me get something to eat and have a shower. Vortigern's face blossomed into a smile.
"Be good, Gwen. C'mon, wolf. You haven't been eating too good lately."
Gwen and Bobby
Gwen avoided Vort's eyes, knowing that he was right to feel that against her. She felt the disgust and the hate for herself too. She went down to Bobby's room and knocked.
Bobby opened the door to see Gwen's tearful face. He hugged her and she fell into his arms, crying and telling him what happened.
Hours later, she left Bobby's room, feeling no better than she had before. Gwen went back to her room, closed the door and lay on her bed.
Mordred and Vortigern
Mordred leant back and let his twin shave his face, both of them chatting away telepathically. Be nice to her, ok?
I will be. She's got some issues, that girl.
Yeah. But so do I.
Very true. She's lugging around a lot of self hate. She sure you wanna get mixed up with this?
Vort, I love her.
I know, I know.
Spike know you love him? Vortigern flinched back slightly. He knows you are, but he doesn't think you feel it as deep as you do. What are we doing with non-telepaths, Scathach?
Love shouldn't be differentiated like that.
If they were telepathic, that would make it so much easier... Mordred sighed, then relaxed into blissful contentment under his twin's soothing hands.
Don't close me off again like that again, ya hear?
No. But if Gwen ever...if she dies, let me too. Please.
Can't promise nothin', wolf, you know that. Alright, ya done. Vortigern slapped his twin's shoulder and let him up. "You wanna go talk to Gwen?"
"Yeah. You come and talk too."
"Shit, Mordred...she damn near killed you."
"She damn near killed herself too." Mordred's gaze was steady, and Vortigern sighed.
"Just let me wash up." That done, they both set off to Gwen's room.
"Gwen, love? You in?" Mordred knew she was in there, but waited for her to make the first move.
Gwen had been idly cutting through her skin with a knife when she
heard Mordred's voice. Feeling ashamed, she hid the knife under her
mattress and sat up.
"Yeah... come in."
She felt nervous as she rolled down her sleeve again, wincing with
pain as her arm started to sting. Her eyes were watering, but she
pushed the thoughts aside.
Mordred and Vortigern
"Love." Mordred came in and settled on the bed next to her. "Don't
hide from me, ok? I could tell from outside the door. Vort, go get
something to clean the cuts with." Vortigern nodded and
disappeared. "You think you're the only one done this? I had to lead
Vort through it when he found out he was bi. Thought he was a dirty,
disgusting freak because he wanted to touch other men. Me? I always
wanted to make someone else hurt too, so I'd go looking for a fight."
He sighed as he took her arm and noticed the flinch. "Won't hurt ya,
orright? As little as I can, anyway." He rolled up the sleeve,
ignoring her attepmts to get away.
Catch.
Ta, mate. Mordred caught the thing of antiseptic ointment and
sterile gauze bandages. "Please, let me do this. You don't want the
cuts to get infected."
"I'll help." Vortigern came forward. "And ain't this the same old sad
story it ever is?"
Gwen
Gwen watched as Mordred cleaned the cuts. Her body tensed under his
touch. It wasn't him... it was all guys in general. The last week
had definitely not helped her trusting people. She cleared her
throat.
"You don't have to do that. It doesn't matter if they get infected.
It doesn't matter anymore."
She sighed and looked at Vortigern for the first time.
"I'm sorry."
Mordred and Vortigern
"Matters to me," Mordred said simply.
Vortigern knelt down by Mordred and Gwen's feet. "You both hurt
because of this. If I can't blame him, how can I blame you? Don't
worry about it. We've lived through worse."
"Eh, Vort's the forgiving one of us two. See, we're good with it. We
forgive you." Mordred gazed into her eyes. "I still love you." He
reached down and tousled Vortigern's hair.
"And I'll tolerate-hey, ow! Ok. Like you. Try to." Vortigern rolled
his eyes. "Can I go now? I have things to do."
"The one thing you want to do is Spike."
"Well, yeah. You have a problem with that?"
Gwen
Gwen nodded. "Vort, you don't have to like me. Hell, I'm not even
sure I like me at the moment. Go to Spike. And... thank you."
She sighed and lay back down on her bed, and avoided Mordred's eyes.
She didn't want him to look into them. If eyes were a window to your
soul, then he would be in for horror if he looked into hers.
Mordred and Vortigern
"I liked you fine before, Gwen. Just take me a bit to get back to it.
I'll go." Vortigern stood and left. She hurts bad.
You think I don't know, and it ain't tearing me to pieces
inside? "Gwen, love, if you want me to leave, tell me." He reached
over and touched her hair gently. "I want to stay, just want to hold
you. But I won't if that's not what you want."
Gwen
Gwen lay on her bed, shivering from cold and fear of herself. Her
hands ached to be around the knife again, so she squeezed them shut.
"You can stay... I'm just afraid I won't be good company, is all."
Mordred
"I haven't been very good company neither, love." He settled down on
the bed and put his hands around hers. "Been throwing stuff and
cursing and picking fights. Damn near went after the prof with a
knife when I figured he'd locked my powers away. He's lucky I was so
tranked up, otherwise I might've got him before Logan reached me." He
sighed into the curve of her neck. "Wanted to go after ya so bad. And
then I couldn't."
Gwen
Gwen was silent for a second. She was still tense in his arms, but
she couldn't help that anymore. As much as she wanted to be
comfortable she couldn't. She was in love with him, she trusted him,
what was the problem?
"I was on the streets for a bit, going from place to place. Then I
went to Tulsa to see Faith."
Mordred
"Faith? She's a good sort," Mordred mused sleepily. He hadn't been
getting much sleep lately, what with the nightmares and all. "Christ,
I'm exhausted...so what did ya talk about? I just love listening to
ya talk. You have such a sexy voice. Tell me, and then ask me
something. We can swap off."
Gwen
Gwen started to relax more in his arms. She leaned against him and
sighed.
"She is a good sort. She didn't even know me, and she took me in,
and told me not to run... it really sunk in what she said, and in
the end, it was because of her that I came back."
Gwen paused. "She said to me in her experience the more you run, the
faster your past catches up with you. And that made me think, I
guess. So... so what happened when I was gone?"
Mordred
"I know some more people arrived...Nyx came to try and talk me out of
my room. Two half mer, and one half Selkie. Sisters and a brother.
Demetria's going out with the guy..." He ran his fingers softly
through her hair, loving the feel of it. "That's it, I think."
Gwen
Gwen nodded.
"I'm sorry I put you through that."
She sighed and closed her eyes, but as soon as she did, she had a
vision of her bloodied arm. She opened her eyes quickly.
Mordred
"Do you blame me for the cuts on your arm, love?" Mordred asked
quietly. "Cos I feel like I put them there. Every one."
Gwen
Gwen turned to face Mordred, allowing him to see into her eyes. She
shook her head firmly.
"No. They're from me... being an idiot. They have nothing to do with
you."
Mordred
"Then me, locking myself away in my room has nothing to do with you
either, love." Mordred stared into her eyes. "Everytime I look into
your eyes I fall harder...you are so beautiful..."
Gwen
"You were hurting because of me." Gwen said, unable to say more.
What else could be said? Besides the fact that she would never
forgive herself. How could she have been so stupid to leave? How
could she have hurt him so much? These powers were nothing but a
burden.
"I love you so much... and I don't deserve you."
Mordred
"So we feel the same then. We both agree that we're worthless idiots
who don't deserve each other." Mordred leant in and kissed her
gently. "Rest. We'll work it out in the morning."
Gwen
Gwen looked up at mrdred pleadingly.
"Don't leave me tonight."
She closed her eyes and held his hand weakly, unable to squeeze due
to the damage of her arm.
"I love you..."
Mordred
"I'll stay right here," he promised her softly. "Love you with all my
heart and soul." She closed her eyes and Mordred buried his nose in
her hair, sighed, then fell into sleep with her.