Lorne and Faith
Lorne and Faith sat in the conservatory out the back of the Manor. It was well past midnight, but Faith knew she had to talk to Lorne. He'd been waiting since she'd woken up and she knew she couldn't put it off forever.
Faith got up and walked to the window, staring out at the darkness that she so frequently lurked in.
"Is it wrong that I almost didn't want to come back?" Faith asked, startling Lorne from the long silence.
Lorne looked up at her. "No, but you made the right choice."
"I almost didn't. I wanted to give up so badly."
"Then why didn't you? Why didn't you give up? Isn't that the real question?"
"I..." Faith faltered and she continued staring out the window. "I don't know."
"What did you see to make you want to give up?"
Faith murmured under her breath and Lorne coughed. She turned around to face him. "My life."
"Aw, darling." Lorne stood and hugged Faith. She shook him off and took her vigil by the window, sitting on the edge of the sill.
"I saw everything that I ever did, and it made me... it made me think that maybe, you know, I didn't even deserve to come back! Then she said..."
"Who's she?"
"Me."
"I don't understand, sugarbean."
"I had to fight myself... the inner me, the killer. It was..." Faith's eyes filled with her tears and she let them run down her cheeks and into her mouth.
Lorne frowned. "But that's not you, that you doesn't exist now."
"Maybe she does. She said that she's always there, deep down, waiting to get out, and isn't that right? I lost it... I've lost it so many times and I've almost gone down into the darkness again, and so when she said that I was just like her, that I was her... it started... I thought maybe she could be right."
"She's not, Faith. You're who you are. You choose to be the person you want to be, and you chose to be the right one."
"I'm so scared..."
"Of what?"
"Becoming what I was. It's like... like I'm all dressed up but I have no place to pretend."
"You're not going to become that person again, you have too many people who love you and care about you too much for that."
"Like I said to Xander... we accept the love we think we deserve."
"But you do, why can't you see that we do!"
"I can't, I just can't. All my life, no one has ever been nice to me, and then suddenly people are, and I screw it up! And I hate it, because I wanted to hate them, and I still do, so I won't feel so bad about what I did. Lorne... I want to hate you at least half as much as I hate myself."
"Why?"
"Because it's easier. It's easier to let down the people who you don't like. It's easier to hurt them, to push them away rather than to love them. Because it just hurts too much. It hurts too much to get close to someone, because they leave."
"Not everyone does. We're all gonna stick around, sweetie."
"But can't you see? Can't you see that when you get too close you get hurt? And then they leave! They leave you!" Faith fell to the ground, punching the wall and the floor while she cried. "They leave you all alone in this shitty world! So isn't it easier to kill them all? To hurt them? Please, tell me, because I can't do it by myself anymore!"
Lorne sat by her and let her cry into his arms. He sent in some soothing waves, hoping to calm her down. "No one is going to leave you... tell me, who left you?"
"Dad... he didn't even wait around... he left when I was just a kid. But he was the one protecting me from... from mom."
"She abused you, didn't she?"
Faith nodded slowly. "And so I learnt to put up barriers. And I learnt to stick up for myself... and then... then I survive without friends, then I meet Buffy and everyone else, and they hurt me, and so I hurt them. I should've stayed lost in the coma."
Lorne shook his head severely. "No. That wasn't even an option, Faith, and you know it... what are you running from?"
"Myself."
A few hours and many tears later, Faith and Lorne decided to call it a night... morning. Lorne went to his room but Faith remained in the conservatory, still looking out the window. It was about 3am. Sun would come up soon and Faith was restless. She grabbed a stake and her jacket and ran out the door, hoping to get a few stakings in before sunrise.
Either that, or she'd find something that would be willing to kill her.
Faith frowned... she was almost joking about that last thought. Almost.